Reflection...

A couple of years back, I decided to run through each of the seven deadly sins.
In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have started with 'Sloth'.

Today's Lech.

Took Grampa to the Clinic today for a checkup thing. Regular stuff, nothing to worry about.
Saw lots of army peoples. Always fun to watch army peoples. Especially army peoples socialising.
So while I was lazing about in the waiting room, this young lady, (a really amazingly pretty lady btw!) recognized an old couple who had just walked in. Young lady goes up to them and starts off a conversation:

Young Lady : Good Afternoon Aunty, how're you doing.
Old Lady: Oh, Hi beta. I'm fine, how are you?
YL: Fine aunty, how are you uncle? (looks at Old Gent)
Old Gent: Uh?
YL: Hi Uncle, how are you?
OG: Uh?
YL: Hi Uncle, how are you? (10 points for some awesome patience)
OG: Oh, hello beta. You're looking so beautiful I didn't even recognise you (20000 points for that comeback)
YL: (super cute giggle) (40000 points for not flinching at that questionable compliment and 5000 for that giggle.) (Can you tell I was in love with her already?)

Blah blah for 10 minutes about trivial topics like 'What are you doing here', 'How is so and so', etc. Mostly between YL and OL. OG was looking rather bored at this point.

OG decides to interrupt the boring conversation with: Beta, you've been in my prayers.
YL: That means so much to me, uncle. (1 million points for not saying 'WTF')
YL: Please keep me in your prayers uncle (giggle) (another million for the giggle)

Goodbye's all around.
As soon as the super pretty young lady walks away with a tiny piece of my heart, Old Gent looks at his wife and asks in that special punjabi way "Kaun Thi?". I managed to stifle my laugh behind a magazine.

Great fun, these army people. They're so used to conversations that would make a normal person go "Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you!".
Most of them love talking, many come off as obnoxious prats, but are actually just really, really nice people who are a little loud.

For instance, this one guy who had just given his ID card to the person behind the counter realised that the print was too small. Counter person was struggling with the details, so this guy pulls out a very cool little card shaped thing with a magnifying lens in it. He gives it to the counter guy and says he's donating it to the clinic. Mighty nice of him and all.
But then he goes and says 'It costs 20 grand, but that doesn't matter'. Counter guy promptly shoves it back and says he can't accept it. Nice but loud guy says 'No, it's fine. I'm earning in lakhs anyway, it doesn't make a difference'.
Oh, Come on!!! Was that really necessary?
I don't really know how to judge that. On one hand, he's being really nice and truly altruistic.
On the other, he's announcing to everyone that he's being really nice and truly altruistic.

At the end of the day though, the clinic has something that'll help them, and considering the average age of the counter people there, I'm sure they wouldn't remember how they got the lens a week from now!
So good job, Mr Nice but slightly Loud Guy,
Good job, old couple for yet another successfully navigated conversation.
Goodbye, beautiful young lady. I do hope we meet sometime. In the meanwhile, If you could just lose a bit of weight, you'd be doing me and the entire community of lechers across the country a huge favour.
I miss you already.

Been there, Dead now, What next?

It's always been everyone's second favourite question, you know. Right after 'Why do I exist'.
I feel sorry for it sometimes, but really, it's got to understand. It's the last thing people should want to think about. I'm surprised it's so often asked.
So what does happens when you die? Everyone's thought about it. I used to, when I was younger. Had a whole lot of theories too. I never really thought about heaven and hell. I hadn't even heard of the concept until I started reading books.
Indian society is pretty cool that way. Children aren't frightened into being good. Imagine putting the fear of hell in a child. Tell them that if they're bad they'll go to hell when they die.
Hell - a terrible, hot, lawless land where you're pushed around and tortured for no reason at all.
That would never work on us Indian kids. We'd just turn around and say 'Hey, that sounds like here and now'.

Anyway, the various theories...

There was the 'Parallel Universe Theory' (I'd say multiverse, but then I'd go on a crazy DC comics buying spree again) where you are the centre of your universe and nothing bad can ever happen to you.
Then the 'Dream Theory', where as soon as you die, you wake up from this intricate dream which slips away within the next two minutes while you struggle to hold on to it.
And then the slightly nihilistic belief that everything just stops when you die.
Heaven..? Well, heaven always seemed like a really funny concept. You reward a few people with fuzzy white clouds and hovering angels dressed up in long, sexless white robes and playing tiny golden harps for eternity? I'd hate that. I need action. Give me electric guitars with the distortion cranked up, give me my black clothes and surround me with women of loose morals and low alcohol tolerances.

Oh well, here's to the old man across the street who shot at me with an air gun last year because he was drunk till next sunday thought I was a terrorist taking my terrorist dog for a walk.
Here's to that wonderfully mental maths teacher from school who taught us virtually nothing that nothing comes easy. Not even nothing.
Here's hoping you had a good time when you were around and so did the people around you.

Here's hoping there isn't an afterlife.

Book Review - The not so little book of boredom relief.

In this brilliant compilation of over 2000 methods of relieving boredom, author Gitmiout O'Here has put together some of the finest idle time busting ideas from all across the world.
From the Ancient Australian 'Sit in a Kangaroo pouch and hunt koala bears with a boomerang made out of ancient beer bottle crowns' technique to the 'Play real life frogger in traffic' technique from exotic India. Here's an excerpt.

"So there you are, stuck at home with nothing to do. Again.
Another weekend, just like the last one. Don't be so glum! There's always something to do.
All you've got to do is a little research about your neighbourhood. As long as you aren't living on that deserted island that everyone seems to love so much, you will probably find something fun to do.

For example, say there's been something on the news about a couple of religious groups fighting. There's your opportunity! It doesn't matter if the fighting is in a different country and between religions that you've never heard of before. If there's nothing worth watching on the telly, you'll probably find a lot of like minded people near you. So go and gather up these people and start rioting! There are few things more exhilarating than hanging out with a frenzied mob and throwing stones, sticks and the occasional Molotov cocktail at other mobs and the police.
The adrenaline that rushes through your veins during this activity is the best indication of you being alive!!! (just make sure the other mob doesn't have any of them Molotov cocktails. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but fire is going to burn you.)"

This book is already a bestseller in more than 20 countries, and is astonishingly popular in Punjab, India.
Buy this book at www.killboredomwiththisfantasticbook.com for just $25. And you'll never be bored again.
(Comes with a 2-year money-back guarantee*)

*Yeah, right! Get a life you moron!

I Love You 2

Hey.
I had a great time last night.
Thanks so much for spending the evening with me.
It's not often I get to be seen with the most beautiful girl in the city.
No, really. I don't know if I told you enough times. You're stunningly beautiful.
I have a confession to make. I wanted to wait until tonight to tell you, but I can't wait.
I think I'm falling in love with you.
Though I'm sure you've heard that a lot.
haha, I thought so.
I feel so good when I'm around you. It's like you understand everything I say and you know exactly what I've been through. I've never felt so close to anyone ever. It's magical really.
And then when you speak to me, I just lose myself in those beautiful black eyes of yours. It's like I'm staring into two mesmerizing reflections of everything that is right in the world.
Oh yeah, I love those nights we've spent together.
All those long conversations we've had. About life, philosophy, love, friendship and beyond.
Yeah, the universe and everything. All that.
It's amazing how alive I feel when I'm with you. You know what I mean?
Yeah, just like that. Especially when we finally realise it's dawn and the first sun beams sneak past the curtains and we're just lying there waiting for sleep to catch up with us. It's like we're part of a little secret and no one will ever know what it is.
Okay, I admit it. I'm in love with you. I've fallen for you. Hard.
Really? You love me too?
No way...
Really?
I mean...that can't be. I knew you liked me, but I never...
Wow, when did this happen?
Just now? Oh, come on.
I sound upset? Surprised maybe.
Well, to be honest I never expected this.
Yeah, you were always this thing of beauty, this perfect girl against whom I can compare anyone in the world, and no one would ever come close. You are amazingly intelligent, you are beautiful. Oh so beautiful...the sort of beauty weird old poems are written about. You are...perfection...unattainable perfection.
That's what I mean. You are the sort of girl I'd expect to see with some ungrateful prick, who has no idea how lucky he is.
Thanks? What...?No, that wasn't meant to be a compliment. I'm trying to think here.
I don't know about this now. I never thought I'd hear you say "I love you too".
I just don't get it. There's something wrong here.
Oh, is there something wrong with you?
Come on, lets hear it...There couldn't be too many reasons a brilliant, beautiful girl like you would settle for a complete tool like me.
So, what is it?
No I'm not kidding. I'm dead serious here.
Stop laughing. I'm not fooling around. What's wrong with you then?
Do you have a police record?
Do you murder poor lonesome guys who are infatuated with you and take all their money?
No? Well then, have you always been a girl? Did you ever have a wee-wee? Huh? Is that it?
Hello? Hello?
Are you there?
Damn phone line. I almost had her. Dammit.
I'll get you, bitch. I'll get you if it's the last thing I do. Just you wait.
*redials*

Look, a piece of Crap!

Okay, since I had promised to depress everyone with some old poems(for lack of a better and uncensored word)...Here is one.
A couple of quick warnings though.
- Vogon poetry, for people familiar with the Vogons from Vogsphere, was until now described as "the third worst poetry in the universe".
- I am in no way responsible for any mishaps, sudden cases of chronic depression or maniacal laughter that may arise from reading the following...actually, I don't mind being responsible for the maniacal laughter, but let's keep it down okay, people are trying to sleep.
Enough yakking. Here's one called...

Found

Life's a sad song
with no time for fun,
where there is too much to do
and none of which is done.

The space is never enough,
the light is too dark.
However hard you try,
your shot is off the mark

The tunnel is long and dark
with seemingly no end
but as you walk along,
you discover a bend.

Suddenly there is light
where dark lived before.
You move faster now
towards the open door.

Finally you burst through
into the burning light
where knowledge kills ignorance
like the sun kills the night.

With a path in mind
you forge steadily ahead
with things to do in life
before you end up dead.

~


There's a footnote here. Apparently it took me exactly two minutes to write this thing.

The last paragraph makes me smile. I wonder what was going through my head.

Let's Note! (That's Not - Vote in one catchy two word phrase!)

Election fever grips the world's Greatest Democracy!!
So?
How has it affected me? Well, for one, politics is suddenly the only thing people want to talk about. And since I play the role of listener in most conversations, I now know who the ruling party is, why the roads haven't been repaired in the last five years, and why liquor is so damn expensive nowadays.
Also, I've been getting messages on my alarm clock. I have this alarm clock that I could use as a phone if I ever needed one, but I have never needed to. Anyway, I now have messages from a 100 different parties or candidates or something, and none of them make much sense. My favourite is the one that goes something like "No money? No job? No work?..." I don't remember the rest, but it was hilarious. Oh, yesterday I even got a phone call. A recorded message of course, but it felt so good to pick up the little vibrating thing and listen to a tinny voice coming out of the little speaker.

Anyway, I am no believer in the sort of democracy we have. Personally, I'd be really happy to see new forms of rule. Maybe something like Enlightened Absolutism or something. And since we're such a large country, we could have a despot(enlightened, of course) per small area and a monarch as a figurehead?
Oh, who cares. Time to move on from the little dreams of little people, on to the topic of discussion.

Six reasons why you really shouldn't vote :
1. You get little black ink marks on your finger that just won't get rubbed off. (Unless you use a matchstick dipped in kerosene (or water) )
2. You spend time travelling to and from the voting parlour(Is it really called that?).
3. You spend money and petrol and all those terribly environment-unfriendly things that are associated with above acts of spending money and petrol and time.
4. You can't vote even if you wanted to. A week back, I was given, by the government, this amazing voter ID card with someone else's photo on it, when I didn't even apply for it. And half the people I know who have applied, out of some sudden, inexplicable sense of patriotism and love for the country, haven't received their ID's yet. (And the election is tomorrow apparently. Spend your holiday at home. Really!)
5. If you really love your country, you won't vote. 'Why?', you ask...well, if the entire country doesn't vote, someone somewhere with some power will finally realise something is wrong, and maybe we'll have to replace democracy with something else that might work. Couldn't get much worse anyway, why not give it a shot?
6. The person elected isn't really the best candidate around. Though his biryani cook and toddy producers are likely to be the best in the state.

Let this be the start of a revolution.
Don't vote 2009! Or Dote 2009! (more catchy two word phrases).
As inventor and overseer of this great project or revolution, I shall have absolute power when the revolution comes. I shall make history! The first revolution against a democratic government ever! And I will be the supreme leader for life!(or until I get bored and decide to travel a little (which, knowing me, will be within a couple of days))
Be wary of what you think and say from today, because the first people against the wall will be those who report this post as "objectionable content" and write silly comments.