I'm your host BigDaddy WantsYou and with me is my new co-anchor BigDaddy GotMe. On sports is ThisIs Parthaaa (stop laughing, partha!) and on weather, Shudha HadAnUmbrella.
On to today's top story.
Yet another scam has been exposed today by the excellent undercover reporters of this channel. This time, it's the sex education ministry that has to go under the scanner for shamelessly stealing hundreds of crores of rupees from the tax paying public.
Here is GotMe with more.
Thank you, BigDaddy. India's sex education minister, Khushboo, was caught on camera yesterday accepting thousands of boxes of condoms and a down payment of several crores of rupees as a bribe from one of our undercover reporters in return for a government funded sex education campaign that would advertise these condoms.
The tax payers of this country have been duped yet again by these corrupt officials who seem to use the finances of this country as their personal ATM's.
Back to you, BigDaddy. BigDaddy? Where's he gone?
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Good Afternoon good citizens of this country.
I apologize for interrupting this news broadcast, but there is a matter of the utmost importance that you need to know. I'm terribly sorry this has to cut into your TV time, but I know most of you just want to stare at co-anchor GotMe. Sigh.
Oh, right, onto the matters of consequence.
As most of you would remember, my last campaign to become dictator of this country was an underground success. After a great deal of convincing, nobody voted during the last general election.
However, I underestimated these slimy politicians. They faked the votes and fixed the whole election. Which meant that each of you non-voters thought you were the only ones who didn't vote. I am here to clear the air on this matter.
No one voted.
The politicians rigged the polls and are back there sitting on their gold and diamond thrones devouring all your hard-earned money as fast as I eat my pizzas.
So now I'm approaching this dictatorship thing differently.
You are going to vote for me.
I promise to rule over you with an iron fist. Martial law everywhere, curfews everyday, prison for littering, spitting, peeing off trains.
No more land scams, condom scams, widows-of-kargil-getting-robbed scams, sports-ministry-commonwealth-games-treadmill-buying scams. No more scams.
Just a few free meals for me now and again, mostly pizzas and milkshakes. Nothing too expensive.
I also promise to dissolve the whole election system. No more democracy. Never again.
There'll be no opposition, no ruling party. Just me.
I'll hire people I think are worthy. Start padding your résumés.
And I shall take this country places!
So when the next election comes around, you know what to do.
Vote for the Iron Fist!
Back to the news channel for now. And if you don't stop staring at GotMe, I will line the whole bunch of you up against a wall and shoot you.
frrzzztt - zzzrtrrrtttz - (other noises of static) - bzzzt
Uh...welcome back to the news. We're terribly sorry for the interruption, our technical team is working on it. Here is BigDaddy with more.
Back to you, BigDaddy. Why are you wearing a mask?
Dammit.
Well, I think all of us need a moment to reflect on what we just heard from that completely unknown voice that I just could not recognise.
On to less serious matters, matters of little or no consequence, if you will, here is Partha with sports.
hahahahaha. Stop haha making me laugh hahaha you bastard. hahahaha.
We're sorry about that. Ms. HadAnUmbrella seems to have disappeared for now, so this is probably a good time to end this program. From me, BigDaddy, and the rest of the team here, stay safe, and have a good night. Also, stay classy.
