Just a warning before you read this.
I'm trying my hand at slightly more serious (that only means unfunny. It's still as terrible, don't you worry.) writing. Will post these things on a separate blog, but will post them here too, with little warnings, a free joke maybe, and sometimes a coupon(34Kr3Y for free pizza from me. Yes, the coupon is valid. Go on, give it a try. I know you want to.).
Here we go...
Seriousness : Attempt 1 :
Burst of laughter, tiny golden drops of peanut butter flying all over the place.
Sorry. Couldn't stop myself.
Seriousness : Attempt 2 :
Numb
Feels like I'm on a train. This is the third time this week.
I don't know what's been happening to me.
These dreams I've been dreaming.
I always wake up shivering and wondering where I am and if those images in my head were real.
But I'm never able to stop those memories from flitting away.
And then I remember nothing. No name. No family. No childhood. No memory. No life.
It had been two months since the accident, or so the doctors say.
My name, they say, is Steve Smith. A 28 year old white man with perfect vision and good teeth.
Over the last few weeks I've been able to visualise my new memories.
And they are memories I can't wait to forget.
My first memory is of waking up in a hospital. Under police custody.
Apparently, I was a murderer.
They told me I had robbed a man of his life savings and shot him when he tried to fight me.
I spent the next two years in the race of my life, spending every bit of that money I stole running from the law.
I was finally caught here. In this disgusting damp city. The city so dirty and bleak, it makes Gotham city look like a neat little town.
They sentenced me to a mental asylum for three months and to the electric chair if I manage to survive that. Now I do not know if I should welcome that date or fear it.
I've tried to convince them it was a different person who did those things. Horrible hellish dirty things that no man should ever consider. Things I am not capable of thinking about.
They just don't believe me though. They think I'm insane. They are going to have me killed. For something I have no knowledge of. For something I lost forever.
I just want to try and know the world. I want to see what's out there. Those beautiful places I have heard of from grim faced psychiatrists. The ocean, the mountains the valleys. The huge cities with all their people. Those wonderful rivers that feed countries. The magnificent sky that's a colour I'll never see. I'm on this wonderful planet and I wish I could see it.
But here I am. Condemned to die in thirty days. With the knowledge that beyond these sickly white walls, lies an entire universe that I am never going to be a part of.
Friday, 25 June 2010
Sunday, 20 June 2010
The Frog who swallowed his wife and lover whole and lived! oh and just so you know, he never really managed to pay off those hospital bills.
Old Mr. froggie was croaking away as usual in the backyard.
He had never really liked the smell of smoke.
"What the hell is that damn thing they're putting in their mouths anyway?", he croaked.
"I have no idea, but I just don't like it." said beautiful, young Mrs. froggie. Lovely Mrs. froggie used to be a model. A beautiful model who was always smiling and oh-so happy...until she met Mr. froggie. But more on that later. "It smells like a forest on fire. Silly young humans nowadays. They do such strange things to themselves."
"Hmm" said Mr. froggie and went back to his book.
Mr. and Mrs. froggie had been together since the previous year when he charmed the beautiful young ms. froggie by juggling three empty bottles of beer while smoking flies to death with the cigarette butts they had found on their last date. ms. froggie was a very popular young lady back then. Many a suitor came to her with wonderful feats that would amaze her, but she chose the best of the lot.
Or so she thought back then.
Nowadays all Mr. froggie did was complain about their noisy human neighbours and the weird buzzing noise he had been hearing in his right ear for the past six months.
It was time to move on and Mrs. froggie knew it.
"All right, you lousy caterpillar-tongued moron. I have had it up to here with your annoying little yelps of anguish. I'm leaving you for a better man. A better species, to be precise. Lovely buzzy little Mr. bee here is flying me away from you. Forever and ever!. Take that you yellow-livered fly raping mongrel. Good Bye!"
Mr. Bee then buzzed in busily to buzz her away to buzzland. "Good bye Mr. frog" he buzzed. "I've never really had the chance to meet you, but I think you'd have liked me as a friend. Oh dear! I'm wasting time here chatting up my future-wife's future-ex-husband. My lovely future-bride awaits."
Mr. Bee then buzzed over to the lovely ms. froggie and ms.(I don't think we should be calling her 'Mrs.' froggie now that she's running away with the bee.) froggie jumped up with an almighty jump and an almightier fart (croak. I mean croak) and leaped on to Mr. bees back.
Mr. froggie was astounded. He had never seen or heard about bees before, thanks to his lack of education. Not lack of education actually. Maybe lack of a brain. Yes.
Mr. froggie was astounded. He had never seen or heard about bees before, thanks to his lack of brains.
He opened his big froggie mouth in wonder and it was no sooner than he did when Mrs.(I think I've decided I'm going to call her this, because it really makes sense in the end. Really. It Does! I promise! Read on.)froggie and the poor, previously attractive but now rather flat Mr. bee underneath her went sailing in.
"Gulp" went Mr. froggie as he swallowed his wife and her attempted-to-be-would-be-kidnapper,-lover,-husband-of three-little-girls-and-one-boy-with wonderful-eyes-and-a-killer-smile ("one can wish!" as Mrs. froggie would say), Mr. bee.
Thus ends the story of the strangest celebrity marriage ever. The story that came to be known as 'The Frog who swallowed his wife and lover whole and lived! oh and just so you know, he never really managed to pay off those hospital bills.'.
(I know, I know what you're thinking. 'Mrs.' froggie doesn't really make sense, but I just had to get you to the end so you'd stop bugging me about the whole 'she should be allowed to get her name back now that she is running away from her tormentor' crap. Just let things be and live with us without driving us completely mad.)
He had never really liked the smell of smoke.
"What the hell is that damn thing they're putting in their mouths anyway?", he croaked.
"I have no idea, but I just don't like it." said beautiful, young Mrs. froggie. Lovely Mrs. froggie used to be a model. A beautiful model who was always smiling and oh-so happy...until she met Mr. froggie. But more on that later. "It smells like a forest on fire. Silly young humans nowadays. They do such strange things to themselves."
"Hmm" said Mr. froggie and went back to his book.
Mr. and Mrs. froggie had been together since the previous year when he charmed the beautiful young ms. froggie by juggling three empty bottles of beer while smoking flies to death with the cigarette butts they had found on their last date. ms. froggie was a very popular young lady back then. Many a suitor came to her with wonderful feats that would amaze her, but she chose the best of the lot.
Or so she thought back then.
Nowadays all Mr. froggie did was complain about their noisy human neighbours and the weird buzzing noise he had been hearing in his right ear for the past six months.
It was time to move on and Mrs. froggie knew it.
"All right, you lousy caterpillar-tongued moron. I have had it up to here with your annoying little yelps of anguish. I'm leaving you for a better man. A better species, to be precise. Lovely buzzy little Mr. bee here is flying me away from you. Forever and ever!. Take that you yellow-livered fly raping mongrel. Good Bye!"
Mr. Bee then buzzed in busily to buzz her away to buzzland. "Good bye Mr. frog" he buzzed. "I've never really had the chance to meet you, but I think you'd have liked me as a friend. Oh dear! I'm wasting time here chatting up my future-wife's future-ex-husband. My lovely future-bride awaits."
Mr. Bee then buzzed over to the lovely ms. froggie and ms.(I don't think we should be calling her 'Mrs.' froggie now that she's running away with the bee.) froggie jumped up with an almighty jump and an almightier fart (croak. I mean croak) and leaped on to Mr. bees back.
Mr. froggie was astounded. He had never seen or heard about bees before, thanks to his lack of education. Not lack of education actually. Maybe lack of a brain. Yes.
Mr. froggie was astounded. He had never seen or heard about bees before, thanks to his lack of brains.
He opened his big froggie mouth in wonder and it was no sooner than he did when Mrs.(I think I've decided I'm going to call her this, because it really makes sense in the end. Really. It Does! I promise! Read on.)froggie and the poor, previously attractive but now rather flat Mr. bee underneath her went sailing in.
"Gulp" went Mr. froggie as he swallowed his wife and her attempted-to-be-would-be-kidnapper,-lover,-husband-of three-little-girls-and-one-boy-with wonderful-eyes-and-a-killer-smile ("one can wish!" as Mrs. froggie would say), Mr. bee.
Thus ends the story of the strangest celebrity marriage ever. The story that came to be known as 'The Frog who swallowed his wife and lover whole and lived! oh and just so you know, he never really managed to pay off those hospital bills.'.
(I know, I know what you're thinking. 'Mrs.' froggie doesn't really make sense, but I just had to get you to the end so you'd stop bugging me about the whole 'she should be allowed to get her name back now that she is running away from her tormentor' crap. Just let things be and live with us without driving us completely mad.)
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