What time is it?

There is a time for introspection, there is a time for planning ahead and there is a time for dreaming. There is also a time for sitting the fuck down and doing what you have to do right now. I think the secret to doing well is knowing what the time is.

A long time

Alright, howdy, what's been happening. No time long see.

"In the time that has past, I am not sure if I have grown wiser, but I am sure I have grown older."
Who was it that said that? You? Me? Anyway, very wise.

A hurrah for my welcome into the second of the three quarters of my life. With elderly wisdomous age comes a certain amount of cynicism and random hate. I'm sure you will have noticed it about yourself by now.
Not that I'm accussing anyone, mind. Just saying.

So what is it with people? What's with the attitude dude? Is the ego from all the insecurities? Everyone who looks at you isn't trying to intimidate you, you don't need to establish eye-superiority.
Chill out a bit on the road, fellas. I like to slow down near traffic lights so I don't hit an old lady crossing. Don't honk so loud.

Saw some dudes get in a fight
late in the night (this is now a rap song)
pants all tight coz the rhythm ain't right
Breakin' bricks, breakin' bricks over anybodys head
Running through the traffictrying to save themselves
bleeding all over my
freshly washed shirt.
Bitches. (end of song. Get the funk out now. Turn off the funk I say sir.)

So yeah, stop eye-balling me all the time. Smile a little. Be cool dude.

It's the death of commercial cinema when you fill a theater with a hundred people and show them about half an hour of smoke, fire and clouds, 20 minutes of close up shots of every character. No conversation in the movie until about 40 minutes in. The audiences were last seen applauding the damage done to their little brains while old ladies discuss scenes that were done so well that most people apart from them wouldn't have gotten it. I think a video of me tearing a 500 rupee note excruciatingly slowly, for 2 hours, with downcast opera music blasting away in the background, would be more interesting than some of the shit that's playing at these places.

Staying with entertainment, football season is back which would mean I must finally get that fridge I need for match food and drink. All to keep me in shape. A shape named blob. It's all good though.
That's a funny thought. Fat people might go earlier, but they go after years and years of amazing meals and complete sloth. The in-shape fellows live a few years longer, but they don't eat right! What's life without your chocolate highs and milkshake bellies? They must all be so sad inside. I pity them.

Ah yes, what is it with people anyway? There's this poor fellow lugging around this massive thing. People just stand and watch, like it's bloody TV! Everything is fucking entertainment, isn't it? From a fight on the road, to what exactly your neighbours are upto, to that 'strange' fellow who lives there at the end of your street. People always want this useless entertainment to enrich their lives. Take a holiday, you bleeding ignoramus. Go on vacation, do some snorkelling. See what life is about, make your miserable life interesting on your own. Don't depend on the antics or real-life drama that society provides. People. hah. Bunch of bastards.

I hate to dwell on something after I think I'm finished, but people! argh! It's half past two in the night you blathering little monkey. Get your bloody friends out of your bloody car and stop slamming the futhermugging doors! Don't act like you don't understand it's late. You can't be that stupid. You will be if I have to come down to shut you up though. Screechy little tit. People. bah.
Sigh. Told you, age is beginning to show. When you're annoyed with the young 'uns for having fun, you know it's finally the beginning of the end.

Things are looking up nowadays as things begin to settle down. Things is going to have one hell of a bad neck with all the looking up while settling down, but you can't explain stuff like this to things. He just refuses to listen. Stupid things.

On to more serious matters, have you ever eaten italian food so bad that it's actually made every italian food you've eaten since taste just a little bit like dying? It's terrible. It's like a part of my soul has been ripped out. If I can not enjoy italian food anymore, that's just one less reason to live, really.

So what's up with you? How goes the life, the lack of life, the love life, the other crap, how goes everything? It was friendships day about a week back and the gayest of my friends said hello. How gay? If you never find out, you're lucky. So, cheers to you, wherever you are right now, my gay friend! Rock out with your cock out! (Do be careful though. It can be painful sometimes.) Oh Yeah!
Right, it's almost time for my sorrowful but unavoidable departure. As always, my thanks and unconditional love go to TGOTI (The God On The Internets. Long story, I'll explain later.), to the bestest one of them all and to the bestest dog in the world too! Before I go, I leave you with this command! Watch one of the classic funny movies from your childhood with someone your age. Mine would include Baby's Day out, Home alone, Dunstin checks in, dennis the menace, that movie with the coke bottle and the dude who runs a lot among some others. Do it and I shall continue to grace your life with my wisdom.
Alright then, take care fellas. It's been grand! Thanks for sticking around. Have a good week. Love to the loved ones (you!), indifference to the rest. Peace out! Peas out? Pass out! Woo!

A 360 degree view

I'm sitting here inside a parked car, windows rolled up so no one can observe the observer. To my immediate right are other parked cars that could be filled with more observers but I doubt it.
20 yards in front of me is constant traffic on a slightly elevated road. People rushing from point A to point B and some from point B to point A for no apparent reason. There are crowded buses, thousands of scooters and bikes and thousands of cars. 10 yards to my left are two bums. One very jovial, teasing the other, ruffling the sullen bum's beard, touching his face, teasing him with a small packed paper cone of what I'm pretty sure is some drug of some sort. The jovial bum takes an almighty swig from a tiny bottle of alcohol that goes into his pant pocket every once in a while and chides the sullen bum, asking him repeatedly if he wants the cone or not. 'Stop talking nonsense. Tell me if you want it. Do you want it? Or shall I take it away?', he asks, while waving the paper cone in front of sullen bum's face. I pity sullen bum a little. Poor old man. Finally, sullen bum gets the cone, cheery bum forces him to say 'bye' and leaves sullen bum to his thoughts. Not without a parting shot though. 'Don't get too smashed, you beggar.'
There are people stopping every few minutes to piddle against the slightly elevated road, it must be quite something to undo your fly, pull out your thing and just let go while watching traffic fly by you just a couple of feet away.
Ah, this looks promising. A very poor looking woman and a working class man have settled down here close to where the bums were. They pull up a couple of granite blocks to sit on and huddle together talking about something. Suddenly, the poor woman walks away for a few minutes and returns with a bottle of alcohol hidden in a black plastic bag. She pulls out a flimsy looking plastic glass and pours herself a drink. The man drinks from the bottle. A ragpicker walks by, picking up a few stray pieces of paper and stuffing it into his huge bag. I wonder if he has a dog. All ragpickers seem to have dogs. They treat them like shit, but that's probably only when they're drunk. I've seen ragpickers beating their dogs, really giving it to them, like they are venting their anger and pain and all their suffering on those poor helpless animals. On the other hand, I've also seen ragpickers lovingly feed their dogs, help them cross busy roads. Dogs are so wonderful, but sometimes I can't help but think they've been too domesticated. Fucking humans.
The ragpicker joins the drinking couple here and another old woman joins them too. They're all munching on some tiny food. Peanuts, probably, and drinking and smoking away. I wonder what the two beggars are up to. They seemed like fun people.

A bus from a nearby college just stopped on the road to drop some students off. College kids, doe-eyed, totally oblivious to the evils of the world. They wait for a few minutes for traffic to slow and manange to cross the road safely. I wonder what their plans are. From experience, I'd say a little homework, a couple of hours wasted online, a nice warm dinner and a few hours of sleep before the same mind-numbing routine shoves another day in their respective faces.
There are just so many people in this city. I'm sure at least ten thousand people have travelled this road in the last hour that I've been sitting here. It's just wave after wave of humanity. Where do all of them stay? What do all of them do? Everyone with their own little life, their own little bubble, disconnected from almost the entire world. Only connected to a few friends, some family, maybe a special one, maybe a job. Everyone with their own personal problems, their own triumphs, their own experiences, their own viewpoints. There is something to be said about watching such a mass of people passing in front of you. It's a strange sort of sense of perspective.
I'm feeling a little uncomfortable now. It's hot and there are way too many mosquitoes in here. I'm going to go for a walk now, maybe get some of those peanuts from somewhere, maybe something else too.
Oh, but before I go, I haven't described what's behind me. A liqour store, a biryani take-away place, a bar and restaurant, a coaching center for everything, a coaching center for everything else, a jewellery store, a shoe store and a bank. Typical Hyderabad? I'd say so.

The stand up comic.

Do you realise there is something in your body that heats things up?
You know, sometimes when your pee is hot as hell? That's what I'm talking about.
How the hell did it get so hot? You ever think about that?
Now I'm thinking if I should ask for an extension to that organ or whatever it is that does that heating thing.
If I can have a convenient little area to heat my coffee up every once in a while, while using my own energy, I would have to say I'd be very grateful.
Thank you. Thank you.
I'll get me coat.

Five of a feather

Have you ever looked at people around you?
I mean, have you ever really looked at the entire mass of humanity that surrounds you?
It is a really disturbing sight sometimes. The air is rank with the stench of negativity. If I was asked what the mood of the average Indian was, I would answer "Unhappy and Bored".
When was the last time a stranger smiled at you? When was the last time you smiled at a stranger? The next time you are out on the road, just look around at people who are alone. Ignore the ones with the cell phones glued to their faces. Look at everyone else. I usually see infinitely bored guys just staring. Staring aimlessly at anything even remotely interesting to their forever bored brains. I see people walking around with an detached look that'll turn into a frown every few seconds for no reason.

Anyway, getting to the point now, a week or so ago, I was dreaming about a perfect world where we could do anything we wanted (Hopefully I'll detail this in a post later sometime) and I was wondering if people have forgotten what fun is all about.
Yes, you get together with your friends once in a while, you cosy up with your boy/girl friend and have a good time, but there has got to be more. There's got to be this element of randomness. Some craziness. Nothing drastic, just something fun.

So here's the idea. It's nothing earth shattering, nothing very new, but it's just a little something I'd like to try. A social experiment, if you will.

I'm going to make a list of five things I plan to do. The thing about these things is that it needn't be something I've wanted to do forever, it needn't be something that will change my life or anyone else's, it needn't be something that will cost a lot of money or take a lot of time or jeopardize anything that is important to me.
Just five simple, possibly silly, hopefully random things that would be fun to do with some close friends, and would be something you can talk about over a nice cup of coffee with said close friends forever and ever after.

Oh, I'm not sure why this post is titled 'five of a feather', but if you can think of something clever, I'm going to say that was what I thought of.

1. Ride aimlessly through the city very, very early in the morning, watch the sun rise from a place with a view.
2. Catch a train to an unknown small town. Play tourist for an entire day.
3. Make a list of all my favourite eateries (not the restaurants) in the city and visit them all in one day.
4. Pack a picnic hamper and a frisbee and find some nice field on the outskirts to spend an afternoon.
5. Spend 24 hours awake with a bunch of friends. Do stuff. Monopoly, darts, hog, etc.

Now this is stuff best done with people. Not alone. I'm going to ask friends to join me for each of these. Except, perhaps, for #1. That's too romantic (kanth, rahul and all my other male suitors, I'm off the market. I hope you understand. I found someone so much hotter than you guys. That includes you, NPH. I'm sorry.)

The list took about 20 minutes to make. Not too long for what might lead to some really awesome times.
Okay, so now to the important bit. I want you (yes, you. I know who you are. I will annoy the crap out of you if you don't do this.) to take 20 minutes and write up a rough list like this. It doesn't have to be perfect, you can edit the fine details later, but I want a rough list. Post it here as a comment. We can do something interactive later if this catches on.
You can think of me as someone who'll bring joy to your lives. Like God, yes. You may refer to me henceforth as 'Him' (or 'He', if the sentence needs it).

Kanth, Mary, tsp, Sudarshana, Aarti, Abhi, Rahul, Sameer, Shambhavi, Venkat, anyone else I've missed...I want lists!! Give me lists!
LISTS!!!!
(You too, hon. First thing in the morn.)

I shall now retire to my private quarters, where my fluffy mattress and pillow await me anxiously.
G'night fellows. Remember, lists!

Dear Mr Dream Maker

Respected Sir,
I am writing to applaud you on the many wonderful years of fascinating dreams you have provided me with. I am also writing to express my thoughts on how you should be doing your job.
(Please note that all points are neatly arranged in sequential order, starting from the start and ending at the end. Very unlike what you are used to, but I sincerely hope you follow.)

1.
Inception-like dreams within dreams are strange and thankfully very rare. It is slightly disturbing to wake up from one dream and think 'Calm down! It was just a dream! Thank fuck!' and then see the same demon/exam/ayn rand book come back to haunt me for a few more seconds before I wake up again and think 'Just a dream. Just a dream within a dream. Can I calm down now or is there more?.'

2.
Enough with the college dreams. Please.
I lived through four years of that crap. It really isn't fun when I suddenly find myself in the middle of an examination trying to pen down my rather vague thoughts on some course I didn't know I was taking (Very realistic by the way. Well done!) with a limp, yellow, rather rubbery penguin in my hand.

3.
From my analysis on the way you end my almost-wet dreams, I assume you have a killer sense of humour. I'd suggest you curb that and stop waking me up at such ill-timed moments or I really will find a way to get to you and make you eat your own faces (I heard you have more than one head. Or did I spell that wrong? Well, that's for me to be unsure of and for you to find out soon enough if this happens again.)

4.
What is it with you and falling?
Off a cliff, Into a pool, Down a wormhole(okay, this one is fun once in a while!).
I wouldn't mind all of these so much if you gave me some sort of insurance. You know, a parachute, little red duck-beaked floats that go around my waist, a little book with big reassuring letters on the cover ... something ... anything at all! At least I won't wake up with a jolt so bad that I spend the entirety of the next morning limping all over the place.

5.
Morning wood. What the heck is that all about?
Some lingering details on the why's and the who's and the how many's would be very very welcome.

Now, onto some commendations.

1.
Good job on the techni-colour dreams. Beautiful shapes, tantalising colours, excellent stuff overall. Really. Well done.

2.
Adventures. Almost always wonderful. The only drawback to this is going back to a suddenly-mundane-in-comparison existence. Suggestions for future episodes : dragons, swords, pirate ships, certain familiar faces, and some fruit chews if you can manage them.

3.
Dream-less sleep. I know everyone is entitled to a night off once in a while. I just hope you feel as relaxed as I do on these nights.

I do hope this letter finds you in good spirits, better health and the best of moods.
Thanking you,
your sleepy friend from ever since I can remember.

Four O' Clock News - Interrupted

Hello and welcome to the Four O' Clock news.
I'm your host BigDaddy WantsYou and with me is my new co-anchor BigDaddy GotMe. On sports is ThisIs Parthaaa (stop laughing, partha!) and on weather, Shudha HadAnUmbrella.

On to today's top story.
Yet another scam has been exposed today by the excellent undercover reporters of this channel. This time, it's the sex education ministry that has to go under the scanner for shamelessly stealing hundreds of crores of rupees from the tax paying public.

Here is GotMe with more.

Thank you, BigDaddy. India's sex education minister, Khushboo, was caught on camera yesterday accepting thousands of boxes of condoms and a down payment of several crores of rupees as a bribe from one of our undercover reporters in return for a government funded sex education campaign that would advertise these condoms.
The tax payers of this country have been duped yet again by these corrupt officials who seem to use the finances of this country as their personal ATM's.
Back to you, BigDaddy. BigDaddy? Where's he gone?

frrzzztt - zzzrtrrrtttz - (other noises of static) - bzzzt



Good Afternoon good citizens of this country.
I apologize for interrupting this news broadcast, but there is a matter of the utmost importance that you need to know. I'm terribly sorry this has to cut into your TV time, but I know most of you just want to stare at co-anchor GotMe. Sigh.
Oh, right, onto the matters of consequence.

As most of you would remember, my last campaign to become dictator of this country was an underground success. After a great deal of convincing, nobody voted during the last general election.
However, I underestimated these slimy politicians. They faked the votes and fixed the whole election. Which meant that each of you non-voters thought you were the only ones who didn't vote. I am here to clear the air on this matter.
No one voted.
The politicians rigged the polls and are back there sitting on their gold and diamond thrones devouring all your hard-earned money as fast as I eat my pizzas.

So now I'm approaching this dictatorship thing differently.
You are going to vote for me.
I promise to rule over you with an iron fist. Martial law everywhere, curfews everyday, prison for littering, spitting, peeing off trains.
No more land scams, condom scams, widows-of-kargil-getting-robbed scams, sports-ministry-commonwealth-games-treadmill-buying scams. No more scams.
Just a few free meals for me now and again, mostly pizzas and milkshakes. Nothing too expensive.
I also promise to dissolve the whole election system. No more democracy. Never again.
There'll be no opposition, no ruling party. Just me.
I'll hire people I think are worthy. Start padding your résumés.
And I shall take this country places!
So when the next election comes around, you know what to do.

Vote for the Iron Fist!

Back to the news channel for now. And if you don't stop staring at GotMe, I will line the whole bunch of you up against a wall and shoot you.

frrzzztt - zzzrtrrrtttz - (other noises of static) - bzzzt

Uh...welcome back to the news. We're terribly sorry for the interruption, our technical team is working on it. Here is BigDaddy with more.
Back to you, BigDaddy. Why are you wearing a mask?

Dammit.
Well, I think all of us need a moment to reflect on what we just heard from that completely unknown voice that I just could not recognise.

On to less serious matters, matters of little or no consequence, if you will, here is Partha with sports.

hahahahaha. Stop haha making me laugh hahaha you bastard. hahahaha.

We're sorry about that. Ms. HadAnUmbrella seems to have disappeared for now, so this is probably a good time to end this program. From me, BigDaddy, and the rest of the team here, stay safe, and have a good night. Also, stay classy.