Ei Man!

ei man.
*looks up to see one of Bangalore's prettier lady-boys. This one had actually made the effort to shave today. The overdone make-up and lipstick was standard of course, for each of them - bearded or not.*
ei man. Give me one help man.
Sorry.
ei man, give me ten bugs man.
ei man, one help man. Justa ten bugs man.
come on man, justa ten bugs.
Won't give ah?
hokay
Waddai fucker
*laughs uncontrollably, much to the amusement of the neighbouring spectators who don't have Solitaire on their phones and thus spend all their waiting time at traffic lights observing human-kind. Waddai fuckers.*

Queer masks - 1

Strange wind on the terraces tonight, folks...a strange wind indeed. It carries with it an air of wrongdoing and mystery along with the shrill notes of an old lady downstairs giving her first terrible flute-recital to her friends.

Such a buzz of activity, this place. So many people running about, to and from work, delivering things, riding back to their boring homes and boring families. So many people! When you look at it from high enough, it looks like a big bunch of lights lighting up a big bunch of people pretending to be busy. hmm.
Perspective, First thing you lose as you grow up.

Tonight is a special night though. Something happened tonight. Something finally happened.

It was while I was checking out one of the smaller streets earlier that I first saw him. Fishy looking guy. Carrying a knife. I can tell, you know. Years on the job. Slipped into a little side door. I followed, of course.
Up he went, to his little business. I found out soon enough that he was dealing. I hated dealers. Especially this kind. Selling wares. Human wares. on rent. ugh.
Slimy little pimping bastard. It didn't take long, what I had to do, which is why this little story to you readers tonight isn't going to be long.

In short course, I found each of his ladies, counted them at 6, and found their places of 'residence'. A short trip to the vault later I was ready. This was going to be fun.
I killed the guy, obviously. And made short work of, how do I put this nicely, packing him neatly into my trusty old trekking bag. After that it was the standard clean-up procedure for these sorts of things. Trip to my favourite disposal area, finding each of the poor ladies and handing them some cash, their freedoms and a little story to recite if ever asked any questions. About how watsisname had gone somewhere in the morning and never said anything to anybody.
No one would miss him anyway, who's going to ask? I also gave them my little pre-prepared speech about how they should go somewhere far away and find some jobs and trust no man. Most become maids. I've always wondered why. Pays the most I suppose and they get to bully people for a change.

Anyway, my dear readers. I'm going away to my little hideout, out in the open. Going away to my big disguise. The normal guy disguise. Just like superman, hah. Sleeps a little more than he should, according to most, but just a normal guy. No one close, no attachments, some friends I suppose, but just a normal guy.

Good night, dear fellows. I'm sleeping the sleep of the righteous tonight. I hope you sleep well too.

What time is it?

There is a time for introspection, there is a time for planning ahead and there is a time for dreaming. There is also a time for sitting the fuck down and doing what you have to do right now. I think the secret to doing well is knowing what the time is.

A long time

Alright, howdy, what's been happening. No time long see.

"In the time that has past, I am not sure if I have grown wiser, but I am sure I have grown older."
Who was it that said that? You? Me? Anyway, very wise.

A hurrah for my welcome into the second of the three quarters of my life. With elderly wisdomous age comes a certain amount of cynicism and random hate. I'm sure you will have noticed it about yourself by now.
Not that I'm accussing anyone, mind. Just saying.

So what is it with people? What's with the attitude dude? Is the ego from all the insecurities? Everyone who looks at you isn't trying to intimidate you, you don't need to establish eye-superiority.
Chill out a bit on the road, fellas. I like to slow down near traffic lights so I don't hit an old lady crossing. Don't honk so loud.

Saw some dudes get in a fight
late in the night (this is now a rap song)
pants all tight coz the rhythm ain't right
Breakin' bricks, breakin' bricks over anybodys head
Running through the traffictrying to save themselves
bleeding all over my
freshly washed shirt.
Bitches. (end of song. Get the funk out now. Turn off the funk I say sir.)

So yeah, stop eye-balling me all the time. Smile a little. Be cool dude.

It's the death of commercial cinema when you fill a theater with a hundred people and show them about half an hour of smoke, fire and clouds, 20 minutes of close up shots of every character. No conversation in the movie until about 40 minutes in. The audiences were last seen applauding the damage done to their little brains while old ladies discuss scenes that were done so well that most people apart from them wouldn't have gotten it. I think a video of me tearing a 500 rupee note excruciatingly slowly, for 2 hours, with downcast opera music blasting away in the background, would be more interesting than some of the shit that's playing at these places.

Staying with entertainment, football season is back which would mean I must finally get that fridge I need for match food and drink. All to keep me in shape. A shape named blob. It's all good though.
That's a funny thought. Fat people might go earlier, but they go after years and years of amazing meals and complete sloth. The in-shape fellows live a few years longer, but they don't eat right! What's life without your chocolate highs and milkshake bellies? They must all be so sad inside. I pity them.

Ah yes, what is it with people anyway? There's this poor fellow lugging around this massive thing. People just stand and watch, like it's bloody TV! Everything is fucking entertainment, isn't it? From a fight on the road, to what exactly your neighbours are upto, to that 'strange' fellow who lives there at the end of your street. People always want this useless entertainment to enrich their lives. Take a holiday, you bleeding ignoramus. Go on vacation, do some snorkelling. See what life is about, make your miserable life interesting on your own. Don't depend on the antics or real-life drama that society provides. People. hah. Bunch of bastards.

I hate to dwell on something after I think I'm finished, but people! argh! It's half past two in the night you blathering little monkey. Get your bloody friends out of your bloody car and stop slamming the futhermugging doors! Don't act like you don't understand it's late. You can't be that stupid. You will be if I have to come down to shut you up though. Screechy little tit. People. bah.
Sigh. Told you, age is beginning to show. When you're annoyed with the young 'uns for having fun, you know it's finally the beginning of the end.

Things are looking up nowadays as things begin to settle down. Things is going to have one hell of a bad neck with all the looking up while settling down, but you can't explain stuff like this to things. He just refuses to listen. Stupid things.

On to more serious matters, have you ever eaten italian food so bad that it's actually made every italian food you've eaten since taste just a little bit like dying? It's terrible. It's like a part of my soul has been ripped out. If I can not enjoy italian food anymore, that's just one less reason to live, really.

So what's up with you? How goes the life, the lack of life, the love life, the other crap, how goes everything? It was friendships day about a week back and the gayest of my friends said hello. How gay? If you never find out, you're lucky. So, cheers to you, wherever you are right now, my gay friend! Rock out with your cock out! (Do be careful though. It can be painful sometimes.) Oh Yeah!
Right, it's almost time for my sorrowful but unavoidable departure. As always, my thanks and unconditional love go to TGOTI (The God On The Internets. Long story, I'll explain later.), to the bestest one of them all and to the bestest dog in the world too! Before I go, I leave you with this command! Watch one of the classic funny movies from your childhood with someone your age. Mine would include Baby's Day out, Home alone, Dunstin checks in, dennis the menace, that movie with the coke bottle and the dude who runs a lot among some others. Do it and I shall continue to grace your life with my wisdom.
Alright then, take care fellas. It's been grand! Thanks for sticking around. Have a good week. Love to the loved ones (you!), indifference to the rest. Peace out! Peas out? Pass out! Woo!

A 360 degree view

I'm sitting here inside a parked car, windows rolled up so no one can observe the observer. To my immediate right are other parked cars that could be filled with more observers but I doubt it.
20 yards in front of me is constant traffic on a slightly elevated road. People rushing from point A to point B and some from point B to point A for no apparent reason. There are crowded buses, thousands of scooters and bikes and thousands of cars. 10 yards to my left are two bums. One very jovial, teasing the other, ruffling the sullen bum's beard, touching his face, teasing him with a small packed paper cone of what I'm pretty sure is some drug of some sort. The jovial bum takes an almighty swig from a tiny bottle of alcohol that goes into his pant pocket every once in a while and chides the sullen bum, asking him repeatedly if he wants the cone or not. 'Stop talking nonsense. Tell me if you want it. Do you want it? Or shall I take it away?', he asks, while waving the paper cone in front of sullen bum's face. I pity sullen bum a little. Poor old man. Finally, sullen bum gets the cone, cheery bum forces him to say 'bye' and leaves sullen bum to his thoughts. Not without a parting shot though. 'Don't get too smashed, you beggar.'
There are people stopping every few minutes to piddle against the slightly elevated road, it must be quite something to undo your fly, pull out your thing and just let go while watching traffic fly by you just a couple of feet away.
Ah, this looks promising. A very poor looking woman and a working class man have settled down here close to where the bums were. They pull up a couple of granite blocks to sit on and huddle together talking about something. Suddenly, the poor woman walks away for a few minutes and returns with a bottle of alcohol hidden in a black plastic bag. She pulls out a flimsy looking plastic glass and pours herself a drink. The man drinks from the bottle. A ragpicker walks by, picking up a few stray pieces of paper and stuffing it into his huge bag. I wonder if he has a dog. All ragpickers seem to have dogs. They treat them like shit, but that's probably only when they're drunk. I've seen ragpickers beating their dogs, really giving it to them, like they are venting their anger and pain and all their suffering on those poor helpless animals. On the other hand, I've also seen ragpickers lovingly feed their dogs, help them cross busy roads. Dogs are so wonderful, but sometimes I can't help but think they've been too domesticated. Fucking humans.
The ragpicker joins the drinking couple here and another old woman joins them too. They're all munching on some tiny food. Peanuts, probably, and drinking and smoking away. I wonder what the two beggars are up to. They seemed like fun people.

A bus from a nearby college just stopped on the road to drop some students off. College kids, doe-eyed, totally oblivious to the evils of the world. They wait for a few minutes for traffic to slow and manange to cross the road safely. I wonder what their plans are. From experience, I'd say a little homework, a couple of hours wasted online, a nice warm dinner and a few hours of sleep before the same mind-numbing routine shoves another day in their respective faces.
There are just so many people in this city. I'm sure at least ten thousand people have travelled this road in the last hour that I've been sitting here. It's just wave after wave of humanity. Where do all of them stay? What do all of them do? Everyone with their own little life, their own little bubble, disconnected from almost the entire world. Only connected to a few friends, some family, maybe a special one, maybe a job. Everyone with their own personal problems, their own triumphs, their own experiences, their own viewpoints. There is something to be said about watching such a mass of people passing in front of you. It's a strange sort of sense of perspective.
I'm feeling a little uncomfortable now. It's hot and there are way too many mosquitoes in here. I'm going to go for a walk now, maybe get some of those peanuts from somewhere, maybe something else too.
Oh, but before I go, I haven't described what's behind me. A liqour store, a biryani take-away place, a bar and restaurant, a coaching center for everything, a coaching center for everything else, a jewellery store, a shoe store and a bank. Typical Hyderabad? I'd say so.

The stand up comic.

Do you realise there is something in your body that heats things up?
You know, sometimes when your pee is hot as hell? That's what I'm talking about.
How the hell did it get so hot? You ever think about that?
Now I'm thinking if I should ask for an extension to that organ or whatever it is that does that heating thing.
If I can have a convenient little area to heat my coffee up every once in a while, while using my own energy, I would have to say I'd be very grateful.
Thank you. Thank you.
I'll get me coat.

Five of a feather

Have you ever looked at people around you?
I mean, have you ever really looked at the entire mass of humanity that surrounds you?
It is a really disturbing sight sometimes. The air is rank with the stench of negativity. If I was asked what the mood of the average Indian was, I would answer "Unhappy and Bored".
When was the last time a stranger smiled at you? When was the last time you smiled at a stranger? The next time you are out on the road, just look around at people who are alone. Ignore the ones with the cell phones glued to their faces. Look at everyone else. I usually see infinitely bored guys just staring. Staring aimlessly at anything even remotely interesting to their forever bored brains. I see people walking around with an detached look that'll turn into a frown every few seconds for no reason.

Anyway, getting to the point now, a week or so ago, I was dreaming about a perfect world where we could do anything we wanted (Hopefully I'll detail this in a post later sometime) and I was wondering if people have forgotten what fun is all about.
Yes, you get together with your friends once in a while, you cosy up with your boy/girl friend and have a good time, but there has got to be more. There's got to be this element of randomness. Some craziness. Nothing drastic, just something fun.

So here's the idea. It's nothing earth shattering, nothing very new, but it's just a little something I'd like to try. A social experiment, if you will.

I'm going to make a list of five things I plan to do. The thing about these things is that it needn't be something I've wanted to do forever, it needn't be something that will change my life or anyone else's, it needn't be something that will cost a lot of money or take a lot of time or jeopardize anything that is important to me.
Just five simple, possibly silly, hopefully random things that would be fun to do with some close friends, and would be something you can talk about over a nice cup of coffee with said close friends forever and ever after.

Oh, I'm not sure why this post is titled 'five of a feather', but if you can think of something clever, I'm going to say that was what I thought of.

1. Ride aimlessly through the city very, very early in the morning, watch the sun rise from a place with a view.
2. Catch a train to an unknown small town. Play tourist for an entire day.
3. Make a list of all my favourite eateries (not the restaurants) in the city and visit them all in one day.
4. Pack a picnic hamper and a frisbee and find some nice field on the outskirts to spend an afternoon.
5. Spend 24 hours awake with a bunch of friends. Do stuff. Monopoly, darts, hog, etc.

Now this is stuff best done with people. Not alone. I'm going to ask friends to join me for each of these. Except, perhaps, for #1. That's too romantic (kanth, rahul and all my other male suitors, I'm off the market. I hope you understand. I found someone so much hotter than you guys. That includes you, NPH. I'm sorry.)

The list took about 20 minutes to make. Not too long for what might lead to some really awesome times.
Okay, so now to the important bit. I want you (yes, you. I know who you are. I will annoy the crap out of you if you don't do this.) to take 20 minutes and write up a rough list like this. It doesn't have to be perfect, you can edit the fine details later, but I want a rough list. Post it here as a comment. We can do something interactive later if this catches on.
You can think of me as someone who'll bring joy to your lives. Like God, yes. You may refer to me henceforth as 'Him' (or 'He', if the sentence needs it).

Kanth, Mary, tsp, Sudarshana, Aarti, Abhi, Rahul, Sameer, Shambhavi, Venkat, anyone else I've missed...I want lists!! Give me lists!
LISTS!!!!
(You too, hon. First thing in the morn.)

I shall now retire to my private quarters, where my fluffy mattress and pillow await me anxiously.
G'night fellows. Remember, lists!