Just a warning before you read this.
I'm trying my hand at slightly more serious (that only means unfunny. It's still as terrible, don't you worry.) writing. Will post these things on a separate blog, but will post them here too, with little warnings, a free joke maybe, and sometimes a coupon(34Kr3Y for free pizza from me. Yes, the coupon is valid. Go on, give it a try. I know you want to.).
Here we go...
Seriousness : Attempt 1 :
Burst of laughter, tiny golden drops of peanut butter flying all over the place.
Sorry. Couldn't stop myself.
Seriousness : Attempt 2 :
Numb
Feels like I'm on a train. This is the third time this week.
I don't know what's been happening to me.
These dreams I've been dreaming.
I always wake up shivering and wondering where I am and if those images in my head were real.
But I'm never able to stop those memories from flitting away.
And then I remember nothing. No name. No family. No childhood. No memory. No life.
It had been two months since the accident, or so the doctors say.
My name, they say, is Steve Smith. A 28 year old white man with perfect vision and good teeth.
Over the last few weeks I've been able to visualise my new memories.
And they are memories I can't wait to forget.
My first memory is of waking up in a hospital. Under police custody.
Apparently, I was a murderer.
They told me I had robbed a man of his life savings and shot him when he tried to fight me.
I spent the next two years in the race of my life, spending every bit of that money I stole running from the law.
I was finally caught here. In this disgusting damp city. The city so dirty and bleak, it makes Gotham city look like a neat little town.
They sentenced me to a mental asylum for three months and to the electric chair if I manage to survive that. Now I do not know if I should welcome that date or fear it.
I've tried to convince them it was a different person who did those things. Horrible hellish dirty things that no man should ever consider. Things I am not capable of thinking about.
They just don't believe me though. They think I'm insane. They are going to have me killed. For something I have no knowledge of. For something I lost forever.
I just want to try and know the world. I want to see what's out there. Those beautiful places I have heard of from grim faced psychiatrists. The ocean, the mountains the valleys. The huge cities with all their people. Those wonderful rivers that feed countries. The magnificent sky that's a colour I'll never see. I'm on this wonderful planet and I wish I could see it.
But here I am. Condemned to die in thirty days. With the knowledge that beyond these sickly white walls, lies an entire universe that I am never going to be a part of.
Friday, 25 June 2010
Sunday, 20 June 2010
The Frog who swallowed his wife and lover whole and lived! oh and just so you know, he never really managed to pay off those hospital bills.
Old Mr. froggie was croaking away as usual in the backyard.
He had never really liked the smell of smoke.
"What the hell is that damn thing they're putting in their mouths anyway?", he croaked.
"I have no idea, but I just don't like it." said beautiful, young Mrs. froggie. Lovely Mrs. froggie used to be a model. A beautiful model who was always smiling and oh-so happy...until she met Mr. froggie. But more on that later. "It smells like a forest on fire. Silly young humans nowadays. They do such strange things to themselves."
"Hmm" said Mr. froggie and went back to his book.
Mr. and Mrs. froggie had been together since the previous year when he charmed the beautiful young ms. froggie by juggling three empty bottles of beer while smoking flies to death with the cigarette butts they had found on their last date. ms. froggie was a very popular young lady back then. Many a suitor came to her with wonderful feats that would amaze her, but she chose the best of the lot.
Or so she thought back then.
Nowadays all Mr. froggie did was complain about their noisy human neighbours and the weird buzzing noise he had been hearing in his right ear for the past six months.
It was time to move on and Mrs. froggie knew it.
"All right, you lousy caterpillar-tongued moron. I have had it up to here with your annoying little yelps of anguish. I'm leaving you for a better man. A better species, to be precise. Lovely buzzy little Mr. bee here is flying me away from you. Forever and ever!. Take that you yellow-livered fly raping mongrel. Good Bye!"
Mr. Bee then buzzed in busily to buzz her away to buzzland. "Good bye Mr. frog" he buzzed. "I've never really had the chance to meet you, but I think you'd have liked me as a friend. Oh dear! I'm wasting time here chatting up my future-wife's future-ex-husband. My lovely future-bride awaits."
Mr. Bee then buzzed over to the lovely ms. froggie and ms.(I don't think we should be calling her 'Mrs.' froggie now that she's running away with the bee.) froggie jumped up with an almighty jump and an almightier fart (croak. I mean croak) and leaped on to Mr. bees back.
Mr. froggie was astounded. He had never seen or heard about bees before, thanks to his lack of education. Not lack of education actually. Maybe lack of a brain. Yes.
Mr. froggie was astounded. He had never seen or heard about bees before, thanks to his lack of brains.
He opened his big froggie mouth in wonder and it was no sooner than he did when Mrs.(I think I've decided I'm going to call her this, because it really makes sense in the end. Really. It Does! I promise! Read on.)froggie and the poor, previously attractive but now rather flat Mr. bee underneath her went sailing in.
"Gulp" went Mr. froggie as he swallowed his wife and her attempted-to-be-would-be-kidnapper,-lover,-husband-of three-little-girls-and-one-boy-with wonderful-eyes-and-a-killer-smile ("one can wish!" as Mrs. froggie would say), Mr. bee.
Thus ends the story of the strangest celebrity marriage ever. The story that came to be known as 'The Frog who swallowed his wife and lover whole and lived! oh and just so you know, he never really managed to pay off those hospital bills.'.
(I know, I know what you're thinking. 'Mrs.' froggie doesn't really make sense, but I just had to get you to the end so you'd stop bugging me about the whole 'she should be allowed to get her name back now that she is running away from her tormentor' crap. Just let things be and live with us without driving us completely mad.)
He had never really liked the smell of smoke.
"What the hell is that damn thing they're putting in their mouths anyway?", he croaked.
"I have no idea, but I just don't like it." said beautiful, young Mrs. froggie. Lovely Mrs. froggie used to be a model. A beautiful model who was always smiling and oh-so happy...until she met Mr. froggie. But more on that later. "It smells like a forest on fire. Silly young humans nowadays. They do such strange things to themselves."
"Hmm" said Mr. froggie and went back to his book.
Mr. and Mrs. froggie had been together since the previous year when he charmed the beautiful young ms. froggie by juggling three empty bottles of beer while smoking flies to death with the cigarette butts they had found on their last date. ms. froggie was a very popular young lady back then. Many a suitor came to her with wonderful feats that would amaze her, but she chose the best of the lot.
Or so she thought back then.
Nowadays all Mr. froggie did was complain about their noisy human neighbours and the weird buzzing noise he had been hearing in his right ear for the past six months.
It was time to move on and Mrs. froggie knew it.
"All right, you lousy caterpillar-tongued moron. I have had it up to here with your annoying little yelps of anguish. I'm leaving you for a better man. A better species, to be precise. Lovely buzzy little Mr. bee here is flying me away from you. Forever and ever!. Take that you yellow-livered fly raping mongrel. Good Bye!"
Mr. Bee then buzzed in busily to buzz her away to buzzland. "Good bye Mr. frog" he buzzed. "I've never really had the chance to meet you, but I think you'd have liked me as a friend. Oh dear! I'm wasting time here chatting up my future-wife's future-ex-husband. My lovely future-bride awaits."
Mr. Bee then buzzed over to the lovely ms. froggie and ms.(I don't think we should be calling her 'Mrs.' froggie now that she's running away with the bee.) froggie jumped up with an almighty jump and an almightier fart (croak. I mean croak) and leaped on to Mr. bees back.
Mr. froggie was astounded. He had never seen or heard about bees before, thanks to his lack of education. Not lack of education actually. Maybe lack of a brain. Yes.
Mr. froggie was astounded. He had never seen or heard about bees before, thanks to his lack of brains.
He opened his big froggie mouth in wonder and it was no sooner than he did when Mrs.(I think I've decided I'm going to call her this, because it really makes sense in the end. Really. It Does! I promise! Read on.)froggie and the poor, previously attractive but now rather flat Mr. bee underneath her went sailing in.
"Gulp" went Mr. froggie as he swallowed his wife and her attempted-to-be-would-be-kidnapper,-lover,-husband-of three-little-girls-and-one-boy-with wonderful-eyes-and-a-killer-smile ("one can wish!" as Mrs. froggie would say), Mr. bee.
Thus ends the story of the strangest celebrity marriage ever. The story that came to be known as 'The Frog who swallowed his wife and lover whole and lived! oh and just so you know, he never really managed to pay off those hospital bills.'.
(I know, I know what you're thinking. 'Mrs.' froggie doesn't really make sense, but I just had to get you to the end so you'd stop bugging me about the whole 'she should be allowed to get her name back now that she is running away from her tormentor' crap. Just let things be and live with us without driving us completely mad.)
Sunday, 30 May 2010
A sincere Thank You!
In 1929, a small company was set up in not-so-free India.
A company dedicated to bringing smiles to the faces of children all over the country.
A company with ideals, with morals. A company with a great dream.
Today, every Indian alive has heard of this company and has sampled some of their products(and if there is anyone who hasn't, well, you don't know what you've been missing)
This is a humble tribute, a heartfelt thank you, a show of affection and love from the bottom of my stomach heart to you, Parle. It is all I can offer (apart from the small amounts of money that I pay for the products that you put on the market with such altruism, such compassion, such love for humanity and concern for its hunger.)
This is my story.
My love affair with parle products started years ago when I was in school. The oh-so-Indian Mango Bite and the delicious Melody toffees. Ah, Melody. I can just close my eyes and remember the wonderful feeling of contentment that would course through my veins every time I popped that delicious, chocolatey little cuboid of magic into my mouth. And those amazing kismi toffee bars, with that distinct elaichi flavour.
Ah, kismi. It's been too long!
And then there was Hide and Seek.
Words cannot begin to describe the amazing hide and seek.
Yet, I shall try. Know though, that these are no ordinary words. These are words with meaning and love. And everyone knows words with love carry more weight than, um, words without.
So here is an ode to the most wonderful chocolate chip cookies in the world.
Oh Hide and Seek,
You're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind.
Hey! Hide and Seek! *clap clap* Hey! Hide and Seek!
Okay, lets try that one again, shall we...
Oh Hide and Seek, I love you so.
Your delectable chocolaty-ness enriches my life!
Without you, life would have no meaning. Without you, my world would not spin.
Thank you. Thank you for everything.
- Just a fan.
A company dedicated to bringing smiles to the faces of children all over the country.
A company with ideals, with morals. A company with a great dream.
Today, every Indian alive has heard of this company and has sampled some of their products(and if there is anyone who hasn't, well, you don't know what you've been missing)
This is a humble tribute, a heartfelt thank you, a show of affection and love from the bottom of my
This is my story.
My love affair with parle products started years ago when I was in school. The oh-so-Indian Mango Bite and the delicious Melody toffees. Ah, Melody. I can just close my eyes and remember the wonderful feeling of contentment that would course through my veins every time I popped that delicious, chocolatey little cuboid of magic into my mouth. And those amazing kismi toffee bars, with that distinct elaichi flavour.
Ah, kismi. It's been too long!
And then there was Hide and Seek.
Words cannot begin to describe the amazing hide and seek.
Yet, I shall try. Know though, that these are no ordinary words. These are words with meaning and love. And everyone knows words with love carry more weight than, um, words without.
So here is an ode to the most wonderful chocolate chip cookies in the world.
Oh Hide and Seek,
You're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind.
Hey! Hide and Seek! *clap clap* Hey! Hide and Seek!
Okay, lets try that one again, shall we...
Oh Hide and Seek, I love you so.
Your delectable chocolaty-ness enriches my life!
Without you, life would have no meaning. Without you, my world would not spin.
Thank you. Thank you for everything.
- Just a fan.
Tuesday, 13 April 2010
Empty Room (Pepsi thing)
First, a foreword.
I usually don't do forewords. Backwords are so much more fun.
But I think this post is going to need one because I really don't want all (three?) of you to hate me for this.
There's this contest running on indiblogger that I'm submitting a few posts to. Unfortunately, they require one of the posts to be about some pepsi game master something. This is going to be that post. Come back and read this next line when you're done with the post. "I'm so sorry!"
So the story so far is that some dude from 'youngistaan' is stuck in this big, evil castle where some other dude (ugly villain with hot, seemingly traitorous woman sidekick) wants to kill him (or trap him. or make him drink pepsi. or something).
Anyway, young dude from youngistaan (hereafter referred to as 'Y') is so terribly out of this world that he can hold his breath for a whole week while stuck in a glass container full of water, waiting for people to send in messages that'll free him.
Brilliant only, no?
So, this is my challenge for Y.
I wish for Y to be stuck in an Empty Room. Absolutely empty. No door, no windows, no furniture, no air conditioner, no hot sidekick woman, no hammer, no spanner, no tools (except himself of course. (haha. no? sigh!) )
Now, people across the country are asked a simple question.
"What is the answer?!"
And they're given three options.
1. Insomnia
2. Sycophantia
3. Ajanta and Ellora
Unfortunately for Y, none of these are the right answer.
The right answer is hidden option number four. Myopia.
If a sufficiently high percentage of people are far sighted enough (haha! no? Come on! Give me this one!!) to pick option 4, then Y will discover that the walls of the room are made of chocolate ice cream and all he needs to do to get out is wait for the summer. (or lick a hole in the wall).
The end. Where's my money?
Sigh. There goes the contest!
I wonder what viral networking is. (yes, that's how the winner is determined. What Naansense, no? Utterly Rubbish only I say.)
And yes, I really should get back to writing! Blame Mangoes!!! (And cinnamon!)
I usually don't do forewords. Backwords are so much more fun.
But I think this post is going to need one because I really don't want all (three?) of you to hate me for this.
There's this contest running on indiblogger that I'm submitting a few posts to. Unfortunately, they require one of the posts to be about some pepsi game master something. This is going to be that post. Come back and read this next line when you're done with the post. "I'm so sorry!"
So the story so far is that some dude from 'youngistaan' is stuck in this big, evil castle where some other dude (ugly villain with hot, seemingly traitorous woman sidekick) wants to kill him (or trap him. or make him drink pepsi. or something).
Anyway, young dude from youngistaan (hereafter referred to as 'Y') is so terribly out of this world that he can hold his breath for a whole week while stuck in a glass container full of water, waiting for people to send in messages that'll free him.
Brilliant only, no?
So, this is my challenge for Y.
I wish for Y to be stuck in an Empty Room. Absolutely empty. No door, no windows, no furniture, no air conditioner, no hot sidekick woman, no hammer, no spanner, no tools (except himself of course. (haha. no? sigh!) )
Now, people across the country are asked a simple question.
"What is the answer?!"
And they're given three options.
1. Insomnia
2. Sycophantia
3. Ajanta and Ellora
Unfortunately for Y, none of these are the right answer.
The right answer is hidden option number four. Myopia.
If a sufficiently high percentage of people are far sighted enough (haha! no? Come on! Give me this one!!) to pick option 4, then Y will discover that the walls of the room are made of chocolate ice cream and all he needs to do to get out is wait for the summer. (or lick a hole in the wall).
The end. Where's my money?
Sigh. There goes the contest!
I wonder what viral networking is. (yes, that's how the winner is determined. What Naansense, no? Utterly Rubbish only I say.)
And yes, I really should get back to writing! Blame Mangoes!!! (And cinnamon!)
Tuesday, 23 February 2010
Pick up lines that work
Lines that worked for me :
Lines that would work on me :
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caution:
*Use of these lines without correct supervision may cause problems such as unexpected pregnancy, jail time, child birth, unwanted relationships, marital problems, drug use, headache, insomnia, memory loss, hair fall, dizziness, pneumonia, cancer, aids, death, possibly hunger(careful!).
Understand that I cannot be held responsible for any or all of these unless I am supervising the delivery of the lines.
Want to make babies?
Did you shave your legs recently? They look wonderfully smooth. Could you take your pants off for me, please?
Hi, I have a penis!
Hi. Do you have a penis? No? Want to hang out?
I got paid today. Want to have sex?
You don't know me, but I've been watching you for a few months now. Would you like a ride home? I know where you live.
So, do you like guys who have no money?
My friends think I'm funny. Would you like to meet them?
I'm blinded by your radiant beauty. Thank god they say love is blind. (and then whip out a fork and stab your own eyes out. Guaranteed pity sex!)
Could I cop a feel of your breasts? They've been calling out to me all night long!
Could I interest you and your friends in some Rohypnol?
Could you take a sip of this? Tell me if you think it tastes strange.
Lines that would work on me :
Hi.
Do you have the time?
Waiter, could I have another drink please?
Go away.
Got a light?
Your friend is cute.
I'll be yours for 200.
I'm warning you, I have pepper spray.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caution:
*Use of these lines without correct supervision may cause problems such as unexpected pregnancy, jail time, child birth, unwanted relationships, marital problems, drug use, headache, insomnia, memory loss, hair fall, dizziness, pneumonia, cancer, aids, death, possibly hunger(careful!).
Understand that I cannot be held responsible for any or all of these unless I am supervising the delivery of the lines.
Sunday, 14 February 2010
Happy Valentine's Day!
Ah, Saint Valentine's Day.
And what a perfect day for the day of love.
The sun is a shining, the flowers are a blooming, the birds are a singing, this ice-cream is a bysmal, there's a spring in my step and I've never felt more alive.
There's a lot of people who think V-Day is just another day. Nothing special, no real reason to celebrate love. But they don't understand love. I do, because I have you.
You make my life special, you make this day special for me and hopefully I do for you.
People might look at us strangely when we walk together, hand-in-hand (like lovers are supposed to), in public parks or when we whisper silly nothings to each other. People glare at us, probably with jealousy, when we share lust filled kisses, but I don't care. I love you with all of my heart and I know you do me.
I'd give my right arm to get you back if I ever lose you.
You're my lover and my right hand man.
Without you, I'm just a one-handed man in a two-handed man's world.
I love you, Mr. Hand. You complete me.
So here's to us.
Here's to a great valentine's day and a lifetime full of warmth and happiness together.
Signed,
Your one and only.
Forever and ever.
- the rest of my body.
-------------
For all those with real reason to celebrate this day, I'd pray for your rotten souls to go to hell, but I'm off God for a while. So I'll just hope you get crabs or something. Happy VD!.
And what a perfect day for the day of love.
The sun is a shining, the flowers are a blooming, the birds are a singing, this ice-cream is a bysmal, there's a spring in my step and I've never felt more alive.
There's a lot of people who think V-Day is just another day. Nothing special, no real reason to celebrate love. But they don't understand love. I do, because I have you.
You make my life special, you make this day special for me and hopefully I do for you.
People might look at us strangely when we walk together, hand-in-hand (like lovers are supposed to), in public parks or when we whisper silly nothings to each other. People glare at us, probably with jealousy, when we share lust filled kisses, but I don't care. I love you with all of my heart and I know you do me.
I'd give my right arm to get you back if I ever lose you.
You're my lover and my right hand man.
Without you, I'm just a one-handed man in a two-handed man's world.
I love you, Mr. Hand. You complete me.
So here's to us.
Here's to a great valentine's day and a lifetime full of warmth and happiness together.
Signed,
Your one and only.
Forever and ever.
- the rest of my body.
-------------
For all those with real reason to celebrate this day, I'd pray for your rotten souls to go to hell, but I'm off God for a while. So I'll just hope you get crabs or something. Happy VD!.
Monday, 28 December 2009
"Why"
Popular questions from all over the world
From India, the google.co.in domain...
Let's do these one at a time, shall we...
1. Fame, fortune, pretty girls who like money, big cars, silk bathrobes, heated bathroom tiles, Poodles and pugs, Italian business suits, licence to flaunt a holier-than-thou attitude! Why wouldn't anyone want an MBA?
2. We aren't, stop flattering yourself.
3. You probably shouldn't. I'd just take your money and make you feel bad about yourself.
4. Aw, self pity! (or self-loathing? Oh wait, that's at number 5)
5. Aw, self loathing! We aren't ugly. You may be, but there are a lot of very beautiful people out there.
6. Do we really want to go there? Why analyse? Just be glad there are as many breasts in the world as there are people. Hurrah for breasts!
7. We are, aren't we? heh. It's a little weird actually, we seem to love to throw money around at things that aren't really deserving of it. Like over priced dinners at fancy restaurants, outrageously expensive movie tickets (not to mention other cinema related expenses. Popcorn for 100 Rupees? bleh), and yet we don't hesitate to haggle with the poor old vegetable lady down the street over a couple of rupees.
8. Not too sure about this one. I think it all starts with either peer pressure or the 'cool' tag that comes free with the little cancer sticks. Anyway, here's a fun thought. Have you ever thought about second-hand smoke? It's not just something that's passed on between active and passive smokers. It's particles of smoke that have travelled their way through another person's insides - nose, mouth, lungs, slimy, icky parts, and are now making their way through yours. (Non-smokers, make 'ugh' noises about here, smokers please feel free to go 'hah, it's like we're kissing!')
9. Same reason we're obsessed with foreigners, isn't it?
Saw a blonde, busty young firang 'lady' working at a bar yesterday. Getting a hell of a lot more attention than any of the other females in the vicinity. (Although, this might've had something to do with the fact that she really seemed to like bending low. Often. For lengthy periods of time. Sigh. Oh, blondie, won't you be mine!.)
10. Because life is so bloody depressing and there is nothing to live for? (or because you're sleepy?)
And now for the International...The google.com domain!
1. So that bullies at school can twist them and make you do whatever they want...okay, let's not go there.
2. Good god, why the heck do you care? Concentrate on more important things in life like...
3. Green poop! Man, foreigners are weird. It's probably from eating a leafy vegetable for the first time in your life, you animal hater!!!
4. Because they're happy and content with life and want you to know it so you can compare yourself with them and say 'Damn, I wish I was a cat. They have it so easy. I hate my life.' And then hopefully you'll blow your brains out and the cat will purr with (more) contentment and happiness.
5. Because your spouse couldn't get married alone (sorry, had to throw in at least one really terribly poor joke in here. Wouldn't feel right otherwise)
6. To gross you out so you would say 'Oh my god, my poor eyes!' and then hopefully you'll blow your brains out and the dog will meet up with the cat and have a good laugh at your expense and give each other belly rubs later.
7. ... (Damn, I could've stuck the poor joke in here).
8. To get the taste of the poop out of their mouths. (Only if the plan(see answer 6) doesn't work. When it does work, they prefer to use beer and toothpaste instead)
9. Ugh. Bathe, you dirty foreigners! Bathe! Use a bloody bucket instead of showering all the time. There are a few places an overhead shower will not reach!
10. Something bad happened on some friday, who cares?
Oh, here's my favourite!
From India, the google.co.in domain...
Let's do these one at a time, shall we...
1. Fame, fortune, pretty girls who like money, big cars, silk bathrobes, heated bathroom tiles, Poodles and pugs, Italian business suits, licence to flaunt a holier-than-thou attitude! Why wouldn't anyone want an MBA?
2. We aren't, stop flattering yourself.
3. You probably shouldn't. I'd just take your money and make you feel bad about yourself.
4. Aw, self pity! (or self-loathing? Oh wait, that's at number 5)
5. Aw, self loathing! We aren't ugly. You may be, but there are a lot of very beautiful people out there.
6. Do we really want to go there? Why analyse? Just be glad there are as many breasts in the world as there are people. Hurrah for breasts!
7. We are, aren't we? heh. It's a little weird actually, we seem to love to throw money around at things that aren't really deserving of it. Like over priced dinners at fancy restaurants, outrageously expensive movie tickets (not to mention other cinema related expenses. Popcorn for 100 Rupees? bleh), and yet we don't hesitate to haggle with the poor old vegetable lady down the street over a couple of rupees.
8. Not too sure about this one. I think it all starts with either peer pressure or the 'cool' tag that comes free with the little cancer sticks. Anyway, here's a fun thought. Have you ever thought about second-hand smoke? It's not just something that's passed on between active and passive smokers. It's particles of smoke that have travelled their way through another person's insides - nose, mouth, lungs, slimy, icky parts, and are now making their way through yours. (Non-smokers, make 'ugh' noises about here, smokers please feel free to go 'hah, it's like we're kissing!')
9. Same reason we're obsessed with foreigners, isn't it?
Saw a blonde, busty young firang 'lady' working at a bar yesterday. Getting a hell of a lot more attention than any of the other females in the vicinity. (Although, this might've had something to do with the fact that she really seemed to like bending low. Often. For lengthy periods of time. Sigh. Oh, blondie, won't you be mine!.)
10. Because life is so bloody depressing and there is nothing to live for? (or because you're sleepy?)
And now for the International...The google.com domain!
1. So that bullies at school can twist them and make you do whatever they want...okay, let's not go there.
2. Good god, why the heck do you care? Concentrate on more important things in life like...
3. Green poop! Man, foreigners are weird. It's probably from eating a leafy vegetable for the first time in your life, you animal hater!!!
4. Because they're happy and content with life and want you to know it so you can compare yourself with them and say 'Damn, I wish I was a cat. They have it so easy. I hate my life.' And then hopefully you'll blow your brains out and the cat will purr with (more) contentment and happiness.
5. Because your spouse couldn't get married alone (sorry, had to throw in at least one really terribly poor joke in here. Wouldn't feel right otherwise)
6. To gross you out so you would say 'Oh my god, my poor eyes!' and then hopefully you'll blow your brains out and the dog will meet up with the cat and have a good laugh at your expense and give each other belly rubs later.
7. ... (Damn, I could've stuck the poor joke in here).
8. To get the taste of the poop out of their mouths. (Only if the plan(see answer 6) doesn't work. When it does work, they prefer to use beer and toothpaste instead)
9. Ugh. Bathe, you dirty foreigners! Bathe! Use a bloody bucket instead of showering all the time. There are a few places an overhead shower will not reach!
10. Something bad happened on some friday, who cares?
Oh, here's my favourite!
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