A sincere Thank You!

In 1929, a small company was set up in not-so-free India.
A company dedicated to bringing smiles to the faces of children all over the country.
A company with ideals, with morals. A company with a great dream.
Today, every Indian alive has heard of this company and has sampled some of their products(and if there is anyone who hasn't, well, you don't know what you've been missing)

This is a humble tribute, a heartfelt thank you, a show of affection and love from the bottom of my stomach heart to you, Parle. It is all I can offer (apart from the small amounts of money that I pay for the products that you put on the market with such altruism, such compassion, such love for humanity and concern for its hunger.)

This is my story.

My love affair with parle products started years ago when I was in school. The oh-so-Indian Mango Bite and the delicious Melody toffees. Ah, Melody. I can just close my eyes and remember the wonderful feeling of contentment that would course through my veins every time I popped that delicious, chocolatey little cuboid of magic into my mouth. And those amazing kismi toffee bars, with that distinct elaichi flavour.
Ah, kismi. It's been too long!

And then there was Hide and Seek.
Words cannot begin to describe the amazing hide and seek.
Yet, I shall try. Know though, that these are no ordinary words. These are words with meaning and love. And everyone knows words with love carry more weight than, um, words without.
So here is an ode to the most wonderful chocolate chip cookies in the world.

Oh Hide and Seek,
You're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind.
Hey! Hide and Seek! *clap clap* Hey! Hide and Seek!

Okay, lets try that one again, shall we...

Oh Hide and Seek, I love you so.
Your delectable chocolaty-ness enriches my life!
Without you, life would have no meaning. Without you, my world would not spin.
Thank you. Thank you for everything.

- Just a fan.

Empty Room (Pepsi thing)

First, a foreword.
I usually don't do forewords. Backwords are so much more fun.
But I think this post is going to need one because I really don't want all (three?) of you to hate me for this.

There's this contest running on indiblogger that I'm submitting a few posts to. Unfortunately, they require one of the posts to be about some pepsi game master something. This is going to be that post. Come back and read this next line when you're done with the post. "I'm so sorry!"

So the story so far is that some dude from 'youngistaan' is stuck in this big, evil castle where some other dude (ugly villain with hot, seemingly traitorous woman sidekick) wants to kill him (or trap him. or make him drink pepsi. or something).
Anyway, young dude from youngistaan (hereafter referred to as 'Y') is so terribly out of this world that he can hold his breath for a whole week while stuck in a glass container full of water, waiting for people to send in messages that'll free him.
Brilliant only, no?

So, this is my challenge for Y.
I wish for Y to be stuck in an Empty Room. Absolutely empty. No door, no windows, no furniture, no air conditioner, no hot sidekick woman, no hammer, no spanner, no tools (except himself of course. (haha. no? sigh!) )
Now, people across the country are asked a simple question.

"What is the answer?!"

And they're given three options.
1. Insomnia
2. Sycophantia
3. Ajanta and Ellora

Unfortunately for Y, none of these are the right answer.
The right answer is hidden option number four. Myopia.
If a sufficiently high percentage of people are far sighted enough (haha! no? Come on! Give me this one!!) to pick option 4, then Y will discover that the walls of the room are made of chocolate ice cream and all he needs to do to get out is wait for the summer. (or lick a hole in the wall).
The end. Where's my money?

Sigh. There goes the contest!
I wonder what viral networking is. (yes, that's how the winner is determined. What Naansense, no? Utterly Rubbish only I say.)

And yes, I really should get back to writing! Blame Mangoes!!! (And cinnamon!)

Pick up lines that work

Lines that worked for me :

Want to make babies?

Did you shave your legs recently? They look wonderfully smooth. Could you take your pants off for me, please?

Hi, I have a penis!

Hi. Do you have a penis? No? Want to hang out?

I got paid today. Want to have sex?

You don't know me, but I've been watching you for a few months now. Would you like a ride home? I know where you live.

So, do you like guys who have no money?

My friends think I'm funny. Would you like to meet them?

I'm blinded by your radiant beauty. Thank god they say love is blind. (and then whip out a fork and stab your own eyes out. Guaranteed pity sex!)

Could I cop a feel of your breasts? They've been calling out to me all night long!

Could I interest you and your friends in some Rohypnol?

Could you take a sip of this? Tell me if you think it tastes strange.

Lines that would work on me :

Hi.

Do you have the time?

Waiter, could I have another drink please?

Go away.

Got a light?

Your friend is cute.

I'll be yours for 200.

I'm warning you, I have pepper spray.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Caution:
*Use of these lines without correct supervision may cause problems such as unexpected pregnancy, jail time, child birth, unwanted relationships, marital problems, drug use, headache, insomnia, memory loss, hair fall, dizziness, pneumonia, cancer, aids, death, possibly hunger(careful!).
Understand that I cannot be held responsible for any or all of these unless I am supervising the delivery of the lines.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Ah, Saint Valentine's Day.
And what a perfect day for the day of love.
The sun is a shining, the flowers are a blooming, the birds are a singing, this ice-cream is a bysmal, there's a spring in my step and I've never felt more alive.
There's a lot of people who think V-Day is just another day. Nothing special, no real reason to celebrate love. But they don't understand love. I do, because I have you.
You make my life special, you make this day special for me and hopefully I do for you.
People might look at us strangely when we walk together, hand-in-hand (like lovers are supposed to), in public parks or when we whisper silly nothings to each other. People glare at us, probably with jealousy, when we share lust filled kisses, but I don't care. I love you with all of my heart and I know you do me.
I'd give my right arm to get you back if I ever lose you.
You're my lover and my right hand man.
Without you, I'm just a one-handed man in a two-handed man's world.
I love you, Mr. Hand. You complete me.

So here's to us.
Here's to a great valentine's day and a lifetime full of warmth and happiness together.

Signed,
Your one and only.
Forever and ever.
- the rest of my body.


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For all those with real reason to celebrate this day, I'd pray for your rotten souls to go to hell, but I'm off God for a while. So I'll just hope you get crabs or something. Happy VD!.

"Why"

Popular questions from all over the world

From India, the google.co.in domain...



Let's do these one at a time, shall we...

1. Fame, fortune, pretty girls who like money, big cars, silk bathrobes, heated bathroom tiles, Poodles and pugs, Italian business suits, licence to flaunt a holier-than-thou attitude! Why wouldn't anyone want an MBA?
2. We aren't, stop flattering yourself.
3. You probably shouldn't. I'd just take your money and make you feel bad about yourself.
4. Aw, self pity! (or self-loathing? Oh wait, that's at number 5)
5. Aw, self loathing! We aren't ugly. You may be, but there are a lot of very beautiful people out there.
6. Do we really want to go there? Why analyse? Just be glad there are as many breasts in the world as there are people. Hurrah for breasts!
7. We are, aren't we? heh. It's a little weird actually, we seem to love to throw money around at things that aren't really deserving of it. Like over priced dinners at fancy restaurants, outrageously expensive movie tickets (not to mention other cinema related expenses. Popcorn for 100 Rupees? bleh), and yet we don't hesitate to haggle with the poor old vegetable lady down the street over a couple of rupees.
8. Not too sure about this one. I think it all starts with either peer pressure or the 'cool' tag that comes free with the little cancer sticks. Anyway, here's a fun thought. Have you ever thought about second-hand smoke? It's not just something that's passed on between active and passive smokers. It's particles of smoke that have travelled their way through another person's insides - nose, mouth, lungs, slimy, icky parts, and are now making their way through yours. (Non-smokers, make 'ugh' noises about here, smokers please feel free to go 'hah, it's like we're kissing!')
9. Same reason we're obsessed with foreigners, isn't it?
Saw a blonde, busty young firang 'lady' working at a bar yesterday. Getting a hell of a lot more attention than any of the other females in the vicinity. (Although, this might've had something to do with the fact that she really seemed to like bending low. Often. For lengthy periods of time. Sigh. Oh, blondie, won't you be mine!.)
10. Because life is so bloody depressing and there is nothing to live for? (or because you're sleepy?)

And now for the International...The google.com domain!



1. So that bullies at school can twist them and make you do whatever they want...okay, let's not go there.
2. Good god, why the heck do you care? Concentrate on more important things in life like...
3. Green poop! Man, foreigners are weird. It's probably from eating a leafy vegetable for the first time in your life, you animal hater!!!
4. Because they're happy and content with life and want you to know it so you can compare yourself with them and say 'Damn, I wish I was a cat. They have it so easy. I hate my life.' And then hopefully you'll blow your brains out and the cat will purr with (more) contentment and happiness.
5. Because your spouse couldn't get married alone (sorry, had to throw in at least one really terribly poor joke in here. Wouldn't feel right otherwise)
6. To gross you out so you would say 'Oh my god, my poor eyes!' and then hopefully you'll blow your brains out and the dog will meet up with the cat and have a good laugh at your expense and give each other belly rubs later.
7. ... (Damn, I could've stuck the poor joke in here).
8. To get the taste of the poop out of their mouths. (Only if the plan(see answer 6) doesn't work. When it does work, they prefer to use beer and toothpaste instead)
9. Ugh. Bathe, you dirty foreigners! Bathe! Use a bloody bucket instead of showering all the time. There are a few places an overhead shower will not reach!
10. Something bad happened on some friday, who cares?

Oh, here's my favourite!

Just to prove a point...

Classified Advertisement

I am planning to go on a trip to Thailand / Nepal / North East India.
Looking for female company. Anyone interested, please do reply.
Candidates in possession of the following will be given preference :
1. Sense of humour.
2. Large breasts.
3. Working knowledge of English (Not very necessary if point #2 applies).
4. Ability to run away from trouble really quick.
5. Passport.

Just to clarify, you will be expected to pay for yourself throughout the trip.
I will only provide company, clever remarks about fellow travellers' misfortunes, expert advice about life, the occasional bad joke and absolutely no protection from bandits/thugs/hoodlums/haggling salespersons.

Details (when, where, how) are open to discussion as long as everyone agrees with me.
Thank you.

ps : I'm only half joking about the whole thing.
pps : Breast size doesn't really matter. (okay, no, it does a little)
ppps : I don't mind paying for the occasional meal.
pppps : to all my three regular readers - let your friends know.

Why do you women have it so easy!!!

So easy for you to find yourself a boyfriend.
All you have to do is be seen in public alone. A thousand guys will hit on you and you can pick your favourite.
You hardly ever need to pay cover charges to get into clubs or anything.
I've never seen a girl complain about a couples only entry.
It's hot when you check out other women. It's gross if a guy looks at other guys.
Getting a ride home is really easy.
Job interviews are a breeze with the right choice of clothes.
Since we're doing clothes...it's cool if you show off some cleavage, but when we take our fellows out for some air, we're likely to get arrested or injured.
It's so easy to get things when you use your body. Acting jobs, etc. Ever heard of a male casting-couch victim?
You always seem to know more than guys.
You know about the status of the relationship. The guy might be completely clueless about whether you two are a couple or not, but you know exactly what is going on, and you don't mind seeing him suffer while trying to figure it out.
You get to throw tantrums and make other people apologise even though you are wrong.
Only you know if you're going to be having sex later that night. The guy will just pray that he did everything right and hope for the best.
Ladies nights at pubs...need I say more?
Oh wait, I'm saying more...on a non-ladies night, if you're in a small group (less than four) of only females, there is a pretty good chance some guy will come over and ask you if he/his group could 'buy you ladies some drinks'
If you do any 'guy' things, you're awesome and hot and everyone wants to know you.
Things like riding a bike. It's bloody simple, but if a girl does it everyone is all "ooo, look at her go! It's so awesome she can ride a bike" Also applies to playing the guitar, eating loads of food and playing sports. But when a guy does a little crochet to make his bed-covers look nice, he's suddenly gay.

It's all about how society labels things.
We men must break the shackles of this woman-biased hypocritical world we live in!
Come, hold my hand and let us travel wearing pink clothes and remove this wool from over the eyes of all the bigots in the world. Let us be proud of our bodies and our various genitalia. Break out of the closet, break out the fruity cocktails with tiny umbrellas and keep your knitting needles handy so we can stick them into the eyes of anybody who mocks us.

(Drifted off a bit at the end there. Got to do this to confirm my complete heterosexuality...I want beer. Lets play football and bash in some heads afterwards. *Burp*!)