No! Not like everyone else!

No! No! No!
I'm sorry about the previous post. It's troubling you know, being a schizophrenic. The good me doesn't know what evil me is up to.
Apparently two days ago he was on this very blog writing terribly depressing philosophical posts and doing what he calls "rabble rousing". That lousy bastard!!

Okay, I'm a little embarrassed about that post. The thing is I have a great job but with all the grass is greener on the other side shit that happens to all of us, I sometimes think there's better things to be done. But for now, fuck it.

When I started writing on this blog, I thought I'd write random, punny, hopefully humorous posts. And would stay away from deep, philosophical, insightful posts like I've seen on so many blogs, because quite frankly, they're a waste of time. Everyone thinks. Thinking is bad for you. Why make other people think too?

Anyway, to make up for any mental harassment and/or strain on your poor peas, I shall soon post some super secret poems from...yes, Me!. Not now me though. A long long time ago me. Back from the school days me. Was rummaging through my cupboard looking for some clean clothes when I came across this little book in which I wrote all sorts of crap essays and poems.
Hopefully you'll laugh (with or at, doesn't matter really) and I'll feel so much better.

Just like everyone else.

Dammit! One of these philosophical moods again.
I just feel like I have so much to say, but I don't think I have the words to.
Okay, let me just jump into it and see where it goes.

I'm sick and tired of seeing people around me living their mundane lives and complaining about them all the time. It's painful. Yes, I know I'm doing the same. We all are.

You sit in class and think about all the wonderful things you could be doing with your time.
You sit at office and work and work and when a tiny sliver of free time comes your way, you start thinking. You think of how crappy your life is, how sad you are, living like this.

There's so many things you could be doing. It's mind-boggling, the number of things, the number of experiences out there waiting for you.
But you just sit and live the same day over and over and over and you just get sicker and sicker and you don't know what you're thinking sometimes. Five days a week are all the same, you do the same things, your work, your books, your studies. You think the same thoughts, you speak to the same people about the same things. Your opinions don't change. Each day for a span of a few years is almost the same.
And you live your life not realising how long it's been happening, not knowing how much longer it's going to be happening to you. Then some day you'll find you have so many new responsibilities and now you start counting from the year of your birth to know how old you are. You find you can't do it any more. Your youth is past. All those dreams, all unfulfilled. All those places you wanted to see. All the travelling, all the games, all the love you might have experienced. It's all over and there's no way you're going to get the time back. The time you could've used to do what you wanted.
There'll be a point sometime when you realise that over the past many years, you've never accomplished anything you wanted to. Never done anything you had dreamt of doing.

People don't think of all the possibilities there are. There's this and there's that you can do, and you won't even think about the other things. You just keep doing things everyday, hoping that eventually someday you'll find the time and the money and energy and the lack of responsibilities to actually do what you want to.

I've no clue what's going to happen to me. I hope I break out and do something. But will I?
There's that fear you know...that fear of screwing things up. Losing your job, Having nothing to do, Having no one to love, Losing your money, your home, your comfort. You hold back from the fear of doing things society doesn't want you to do. From the responsibilities thrust upon you by family, friends, society.
Push back. Break away. Do your thing. Don't care, don't worry and see how it goes.

What I want to do with my life : A Retrospective.

10 Year old me :
I want to fly planes. I'm going to join the AirForce when I grow up! I'll soar high up in the vast blue sky like an eagle. Alone, all alone, in my beautiful mig-21, leaving behind me a white steak of jet vapour cutting across the sunset that school kids will see. And they will all wish they could be up here someday, living the life of a hero.
Miles below me I see fields of gold and beautiful blue lakes that look like little droplets of dew early in the morning, sunbeams shining off the surface. Far below my wings live thousands of people. Normal people, living their normal lives, living each day as it comes, not knowing the exuberance of flight. Not knowing the power that comes with every moment you spend in the air. Not knowing that I have, attached to the underside of my wings, missiles capable of razing their entire normal town with all their normal lives to dust! Fire one, Fire two. Die! Die! Haha! Now they know my power! Never will they forget me! I am the scourge of all evil. You fight against my beloved country, you die, Punks!
Ah, the power that comes with flying! Yeah, that's what I'm going to do. I am going to fly jets for the AirForce!

12 Year old me :
How do you become an astronaut?

Early High School me :
I don't care what I do with my life, I just want to own a BMW.
(Looking back, this was probably when my brain peaked. I was really smart back then. After that it's all just gone downhill)

End of High School me :
Okay, what the fuck is going on? I have no idea what I'm supposed to do.

Early Days of College me :
Seriously, what the fuck!?

College me (2) aka Doe-eyed me - Ah, when we were young. And stupid (also spelt Idealist.) :
I'm going to do something good. The world is fucked up and someone has to do something about it. I don't know how, but it doesn't matter. I'm smart, I'm young, I've got time on my side and I will figure something out. I know I will.

College me (3) - ah, when we were young. And stupid. And a little greedy. :
How will I change the world if I have nothing to do it with?
I'm going to need money, power and a fancy car. There's no way I can do anything without a fancy car. So this is the plan. I land a big job with a big fat salary, I become rich and powerful and then I'll save the world. The world is fucked up and someone has to do something about it. I now know how I'm going to go about it, and that's good.

College me (4) - The reality seeps through :
People are disgusting. Just look at all the news. People don't deserve good things. Just look at all the shit that is happening. There's no way I can change all that. I...I'm not sure. I don't know. Lets see. I really hope I can do something.

College me (5) - And then the doubt comes creeping in:
I've been so stupid. How is it going to matter what I do? I'm just one person. And even if I do manage to do some good, what then? Who cares? I need to grow up. It's too early to think of things like this. I'll know what I want to do with my life when I'm older and more mature.

College me (6) aka Cynical me :
Screw everyone else. All these bloody do-gooders are just fakers looking to make a quick buck. Goddamn manipulative bastards. I'm going to do what's good for me. Fuck the world. I don't care anymore.

College me (7) aka Pessimistic me :
It doesn't matter. It's not like I have a choice anyway. What's going to happen will happen and it's probably going to be crap. Sigh.

College me (8) aka The Real me (or so I thought) :
Everything sucks! I don't care about the world. I'm going to travel. I'm going to hitchhike across the country. I'll work my way through life. I'm going to visit all the places I can and I'm going to live there for as long as I can. I'll travel. I'll work as a waiter in the cities, I'll manage some labour in the towns, and I'll write letters or teach or something in the villages. I'm going to experience life the way nobody does. None of this damn sit at an office for 8 hours crap for me. No way. That's not what I want. I'm not going to settle down. I'll jump into random streams, I'll climb random hills and I'll talk to random trees.
This is what I want to do with my life. I'm finally sure. I'm going to be a homeless, penniless, rambling bum.

End of College me : Ah fuck everything! I just want to fly planes! I'm going to join the Airforce!

Present me : I think I'm going to go get some pizza. And a really thick vanilla milkshake with loads of chocolate chips. Yes. That's what I'm going to do. Want to come? Your treat. (or mine. Either way. Whatever.)

I love you!

From the very depths of my heart.
I've never loved anyone half as much as I love you.
You mean the world to me. I'd do anything for you, anything at all.
I'd quit my job, move to any place you want to be. I'd work as a shoe-shiner if I have to. If that's what it takes for you to understand...
You love me too? I knew you did. I'm so happy!
Lets get married. We'd be so good together.
These past three weeks have been wonderful. The best time of my life.
Your parents? Screw them. They won't understand. Neither will mine.
Lets elope. I've always wanted to see Thailand. What do you think?
Plans for later? Well I don't know, I never think about stuff like that.
But since you ask, let me try...
Lets see...we'll settle down in Thailand, maybe open a restaurant?
I know, wouldn't that be great!
Yeah, we could buy a little shack on the beach and make love to the rhythm of the waves.
You cook? Oh, that's great.
Ah, the guitar of course. We could get high everyday. The beach, weed, the guitar, food...and you. My idea of paradise!!!
After that? hmm, I guess we'd do that for 5 years or so, until we start hating each others guts.
And then we could...what do you mean why?
Of course we'll hate each other. Just imagine being with the same person for 5 entire years.
Really? Forever? Wow. No, I don't think I could do that.
Yes, Of course. Yeah, I meant it when I said I love you. I really did.
What? Don't be silly. I meant every word.
Yes, but I don't see us living together for five years and not hating each other.
Well, I don't know about you. But I couldn't. No way.
Oh please don't cry now. What's wrong? We'll have a great three years or so, then we'll be miserable for two years maybe. And then we separate and we'll be happy again.
What don't you understand? It's perfectly simple.
You can't love life unless you have something crappy to compare it with.
Yes, like college. That's good. You loved college because you hated staying at home.
I'm glad you're getting my drift.
Yes, yes! That's exactly what I mean.
What??? You won't marry me??? Why!? I thought you loved me.
Not any more? Really? Damn, that sucks!!
I blew it? Sigh. Yeah, I guess I did.
Oh well.
Yeah, it sure was nice knowing you too.
You too! Have a great life.
hmm? Yeah, sure. I'll give you back your money as soon as I can. I promise.
Bye. Love you.

Four O' Clock News - Silent Night

Hello and Welcome to the 4 O' clock news.
I'm your host BigDaddy Wantsyou.

Lets jump straight into today's big story.
A group of terrorists, led by a large orange chicken, managed to infiltrate the Prime Ministers residence early this morning. The terrorists are holding the Prime Minister and his family hostage.
The police are evaluating the hostage situation, and it seems that there have been no demands by the terrorists so far.
Lets go right over to our correspondent Little Miss Sunshine who is at the scene right now.
Little Miss Sunshine, could you tell us how this started.

Yes Bigdaddy, what's been happening is like this huge orange chicken and some other disgusting monsters who are like really, really big, they just jumped the wall without even telling anyone yaa, and now they like totally have the Prime Minister as their hostage. It's all like so horrible yaa, I could just cry.

Aw, Little Miss Sunshine, don't cry now. You'll ruin your make up.
Anyway, do the police have any ideas as to who these evil terrorists are, and what they might want?

Oh yeah, so I've spoken to the main police dude, and he's like he knows about them but he won't tell me because he hates the news people. He's like so mean yaa. I don't know why these men think they're so important. I hate them. Anyways, I like flirted with him a little and he told me off-record that he thinks the giant orange chicken is from the PETA, who are the brains behind this sick operation.

Hmm, so do the police have a plan of action? I've heard they've called in the NSG and KFC to help take care of this mess.

Yeah, well KFC was obviously contacted first, coz they're like the only people who can scare PETA. And after the NSG's amazing display of skills last year, guess the police had to call them too. Not sure yaa.
Oh My God, there's my friend from school. He doesn't know what a cool job I have yaa. I like have to have to tell him right now yaa. I'll talk to you later okay?

Oh, yes. Thanks for the update, Little Miss...

Yeah, no probs yaa. Have fun.

Well, that was our correspondent Little Miss Sunshine, from the capital.

Ah, we've just received some information from the police.
Apparently there are seven terrorists, the leader being the giant orange chicken.
With him are two pomeranians, one obese cow, one dirty slimy dog, a certain Ms. Pratibha Patil and a certain Mr. Pramod Muthalik.
They are armed to the teeth (dentures in the case of Ms. Patil) with an assortment of Rifles, RPG's, and carving knives.
Oh, I'm sorry, that's only six terrorists, "dirty slimy dog" was used to describe Mr. Pramod Muthalik. My apologies for that mistake.

The police say the terrorists have now released a long list of demands.
They say they will cut one hair from the Prime Minister's head every hour, starting 9 Pm tonight if these demands are not met.
The Bastards! How ruthless can they get?

Here are some of their demands :

- Destroy KFC branches all over the country and put up giant Angelina Jolie statues in their place.
- Pomeranians should be awarded dog status. "We're sick of having to put up with stupid white rat jokes all the time. We're dogs too, just like every other dog. Just because we're small and stupid and yip a lot doesn't mean we aren't."
(There's a lot more of that, three entire pages of yips and similar complaints. Goddamn white rats.)
- Cows want their "Holy" status back. Nowadays, they're just being treated like dirt by everyone. "Weren't the roads made for us to walk and shit on? All the motorists hate us. It's so sad. Us cows don't feel holy anymore!"
- Ms. Patil demands a private jet, just like the American President. She wants it called HairForce granny. She also demands more security and a free treatment pass at a leading skin clinic.
- Mr. Muthalik demands that Feb 14th be done away with. (who the hell is this guy?)
He too asks for free treatment passes from VLCC and other leading skin clinics. He says he just doesn't understand why girls have been ignoring him for 60 years now.

We'll now go over to our anti-terrorism desk, where experts M.S Dhoni and Sania Mirza are waiting for us.

Ah, before that. Here is more breaking news.
Apparently a fight has broken out in the PM's residence.
It seems Mr. Muthalik beat up the two pomeranians because they shared a glass of water, and Ms. Pratibha Patil slapped him when he asked her out. The Obese cow sat on the giant orange chicken by mistake, and the KFC commandos have entered the complex and arrested both the chicken and the cow. Ms. Pratibha Patil has been arrested in a complex and daring manoeuvre by the NSG.
All ends well and our great nation is safe again, thanks to prompt action by the men of the moment, the KFC commandos.

In other news, India won Gold, Silver and Bronze at the pelvic thrust event at the olympics today, in a stunning display of excellence by our young sportstars.
More details on that and other sporting action, right after this short commercial break.

~~~~~~~~~~
Commercial :
KFC says "Thank you India, for three years of patronage." This weekend, visit your nearest KFC outlet for Chicken Surprise at half the price! It's chicken and it's delicious! Life tastes better with KFC and don't you forget that!

___________

for S&V.
You'll forever be my Little Miss Sunshine(s)! <3

Touched by HIS Noodly Appendage

Okay, welcome back Children!
It's time for our weekly class on religious beliefs.

Today, we learn about the Flying Spaghetti Monster, so slurp up!


The Flying Spaghetti Monster(FSM) is the God worshipped by followers of Pastafarianism.
Pastafarianism is only the second edible religion in the history of the world, after the Faith of the Invisible Pink Unicorns. Unfortunately for the once Holy and Revered (and rather tasty) Invisible Pink Unicorns, they could deliver baby Invisible Pink Unicorns only once every 200 years. They ceased to exist in Twenty six years.
Invisible Pink Unicorn Adam and Invisible Pink Unicorn Eve were eaten even before their second date at the swanky new bistro at The garden of Eden ("Genesis" Ph: 655-8938. (Ask for Moses.) You'll want to make reservations at least 200 years in advance, so make good use of the time travel device that'll be available on this website last year.)

Human shaped beasts inadvertently consuming the last of the Invisible Pink Unicorns at The Garden of Eden

Coming back to FSM and Pastafarianism,

The FSM is the true creator and overseer of the entire universe (except for that tiny little village in ancient Gaul where a little man and a fat man fight over a dead pig)

The FSM, like all great Gods, does not curse you or banish you from FSM heaven(described later) for following other religions. Instead, He asks you, politely, to "Get your head screwed on straight, you damn moron!"

The FSM is a kind hearted God, and you need not beg for forgiveness for all your sins(and you will sin, yes!). When you die(yes, you will die. Everybody dies. Now won't you shut up and listen!), you will find yourself in FSM heaven. It doesn't matter how much you sin during your lifetime. He will understand!


Pastafarianism heaven consists of beautiful islands, populated with gorgeous girls (or guys, depending on which way you sway), a beer volcano, a stripper factory and infinite helpings of Pasta(with sauce of your choice and veggie-balls if you aren't too fond of meat.)
Oh, and pirates! Scores of pirates! Arrrr!



Now Children, repeat after me :

Our Pasta, who art in heaven
hallowed be thy Taste,
thy kingdom come,
thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily dose of love,
sex, food, weed, liquor and porn.
And forgive us our gluttony
as we forgive those
who steal our food from us.
And lead us not into danger and ugly blind dates
but deliver us from STD's and suchlike.
For thine is the pasta,
and the sauce, and the meatballs(or veggie-balls),
for ever and ever.
RAmen.

In Pasta we Trust!




Serial Madness

I was reading the newspaper the other day when I saw this article about Charles Sobhraj, the smooth talking, mad serial killer.
This guy has committed 12 known murders, mostly women, plus god knows how many other murders that he hasn't bragged about yet.
Anyway, this news article mentioned his fiancee, a girl who's just finished her 12th standard exams.
What is it with girls and crazy psychotic men? Is that the reason girls aren't attracted to me?
Maybe I should go knock off a couple of stupid American tourists in Goa and brag about it.
This is absolute madness, really!
This girl MUST know about all of Sobhraj's murders and other flings and murdered wives.
What does she think? There is something special about her that is going to change the ways of a raving mad serial killer?
For Crying out loud, he's been at this for longer than she's been alive!
Anyway, lets see how long she stays alive.

Oh, her mother is Sobhraj's lawyer. So I suppose the mother is thinking of deceiving the court by allowing her daughter to marry a convict.
She'll give a heart-felt speech and say :
"Your honour, My daughter is going to marry this man.
Do you think I would allow that to happen if I thought he was a mad fucking psychotic killer who's killed 12 or more people? Of course not. I know he's just a poor old man who's slightly retarded and who's been persecuted by the entire world for the last 50 years. Your honour, you must believe me.
This man is innocent of all these crimes! Please release him from life imprisonment so that my daughter can have the dream wedding she's always wanted using all the money her fiancee has(from his murders)."
*Bows to the crowd who are in tears, standing and applauding this fine performance*

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Sobhraj
For a great read. As good as a book, must shorter, and you know its true.
Mad people do exist in this world of ours. Hurrah for excitement and bikini killers.