Purpose

The world is full of idiots, and someone needs to point it out to them or they will never know.

This is my purpose.

Older, wiser and grey

Here's to growing older and wiser.
Cheers!

Ei Man!

ei man.
*looks up to see one of Bangalore's prettier lady-boys. This one had actually made the effort to shave today. The overdone make-up and lipstick was standard of course, for each of them - bearded or not.*
ei man. Give me one help man.
Sorry.
ei man, give me ten bugs man.
ei man, one help man. Justa ten bugs man.
come on man, justa ten bugs.
Won't give ah?
hokay
Waddai fucker
*laughs uncontrollably, much to the amusement of the neighbouring spectators who don't have Solitaire on their phones and thus spend all their waiting time at traffic lights observing human-kind. Waddai fuckers.*

Queer masks - 1

Strange wind on the terraces tonight, folks...a strange wind indeed. It carries with it an air of wrongdoing and mystery along with the shrill notes of an old lady downstairs giving her first terrible flute-recital to her friends.

Such a buzz of activity, this place. So many people running about, to and from work, delivering things, riding back to their boring homes and boring families. So many people! When you look at it from high enough, it looks like a big bunch of lights lighting up a big bunch of people pretending to be busy. hmm.
Perspective, First thing you lose as you grow up.

Tonight is a special night though. Something happened tonight. Something finally happened.

It was while I was checking out one of the smaller streets earlier that I first saw him. Fishy looking guy. Carrying a knife. I can tell, you know. Years on the job. Slipped into a little side door. I followed, of course.
Up he went, to his little business. I found out soon enough that he was dealing. I hated dealers. Especially this kind. Selling wares. Human wares. on rent. ugh.
Slimy little pimping bastard. It didn't take long, what I had to do, which is why this little story to you readers tonight isn't going to be long.

In short course, I found each of his ladies, counted them at 6, and found their places of 'residence'. A short trip to the vault later I was ready. This was going to be fun.
I killed the guy, obviously. And made short work of, how do I put this nicely, packing him neatly into my trusty old trekking bag. After that it was the standard clean-up procedure for these sorts of things. Trip to my favourite disposal area, finding each of the poor ladies and handing them some cash, their freedoms and a little story to recite if ever asked any questions. About how watsisname had gone somewhere in the morning and never said anything to anybody.
No one would miss him anyway, who's going to ask? I also gave them my little pre-prepared speech about how they should go somewhere far away and find some jobs and trust no man. Most become maids. I've always wondered why. Pays the most I suppose and they get to bully people for a change.

Anyway, my dear readers. I'm going away to my little hideout, out in the open. Going away to my big disguise. The normal guy disguise. Just like superman, hah. Sleeps a little more than he should, according to most, but just a normal guy. No one close, no attachments, some friends I suppose, but just a normal guy.

Good night, dear fellows. I'm sleeping the sleep of the righteous tonight. I hope you sleep well too.

What time is it?

There is a time for introspection, there is a time for planning ahead and there is a time for dreaming. There is also a time for sitting the fuck down and doing what you have to do right now. I think the secret to doing well is knowing what the time is.

A long time

Alright, howdy, what's been happening. No time long see.

"In the time that has past, I am not sure if I have grown wiser, but I am sure I have grown older."
Who was it that said that? You? Me? Anyway, very wise.

A hurrah for my welcome into the second of the three quarters of my life. With elderly wisdomous age comes a certain amount of cynicism and random hate. I'm sure you will have noticed it about yourself by now.
Not that I'm accussing anyone, mind. Just saying.

So what is it with people? What's with the attitude dude? Is the ego from all the insecurities? Everyone who looks at you isn't trying to intimidate you, you don't need to establish eye-superiority.
Chill out a bit on the road, fellas. I like to slow down near traffic lights so I don't hit an old lady crossing. Don't honk so loud.

Saw some dudes get in a fight
late in the night (this is now a rap song)
pants all tight coz the rhythm ain't right
Breakin' bricks, breakin' bricks over anybodys head
Running through the traffictrying to save themselves
bleeding all over my
freshly washed shirt.
Bitches. (end of song. Get the funk out now. Turn off the funk I say sir.)

So yeah, stop eye-balling me all the time. Smile a little. Be cool dude.

It's the death of commercial cinema when you fill a theater with a hundred people and show them about half an hour of smoke, fire and clouds, 20 minutes of close up shots of every character. No conversation in the movie until about 40 minutes in. The audiences were last seen applauding the damage done to their little brains while old ladies discuss scenes that were done so well that most people apart from them wouldn't have gotten it. I think a video of me tearing a 500 rupee note excruciatingly slowly, for 2 hours, with downcast opera music blasting away in the background, would be more interesting than some of the shit that's playing at these places.

Staying with entertainment, football season is back which would mean I must finally get that fridge I need for match food and drink. All to keep me in shape. A shape named blob. It's all good though.
That's a funny thought. Fat people might go earlier, but they go after years and years of amazing meals and complete sloth. The in-shape fellows live a few years longer, but they don't eat right! What's life without your chocolate highs and milkshake bellies? They must all be so sad inside. I pity them.

Ah yes, what is it with people anyway? There's this poor fellow lugging around this massive thing. People just stand and watch, like it's bloody TV! Everything is fucking entertainment, isn't it? From a fight on the road, to what exactly your neighbours are upto, to that 'strange' fellow who lives there at the end of your street. People always want this useless entertainment to enrich their lives. Take a holiday, you bleeding ignoramus. Go on vacation, do some snorkelling. See what life is about, make your miserable life interesting on your own. Don't depend on the antics or real-life drama that society provides. People. hah. Bunch of bastards.

I hate to dwell on something after I think I'm finished, but people! argh! It's half past two in the night you blathering little monkey. Get your bloody friends out of your bloody car and stop slamming the futhermugging doors! Don't act like you don't understand it's late. You can't be that stupid. You will be if I have to come down to shut you up though. Screechy little tit. People. bah.
Sigh. Told you, age is beginning to show. When you're annoyed with the young 'uns for having fun, you know it's finally the beginning of the end.

Things are looking up nowadays as things begin to settle down. Things is going to have one hell of a bad neck with all the looking up while settling down, but you can't explain stuff like this to things. He just refuses to listen. Stupid things.

On to more serious matters, have you ever eaten italian food so bad that it's actually made every italian food you've eaten since taste just a little bit like dying? It's terrible. It's like a part of my soul has been ripped out. If I can not enjoy italian food anymore, that's just one less reason to live, really.

So what's up with you? How goes the life, the lack of life, the love life, the other crap, how goes everything? It was friendships day about a week back and the gayest of my friends said hello. How gay? If you never find out, you're lucky. So, cheers to you, wherever you are right now, my gay friend! Rock out with your cock out! (Do be careful though. It can be painful sometimes.) Oh Yeah!
Right, it's almost time for my sorrowful but unavoidable departure. As always, my thanks and unconditional love go to TGOTI (The God On The Internets. Long story, I'll explain later.), to the bestest one of them all and to the bestest dog in the world too! Before I go, I leave you with this command! Watch one of the classic funny movies from your childhood with someone your age. Mine would include Baby's Day out, Home alone, Dunstin checks in, dennis the menace, that movie with the coke bottle and the dude who runs a lot among some others. Do it and I shall continue to grace your life with my wisdom.
Alright then, take care fellas. It's been grand! Thanks for sticking around. Have a good week. Love to the loved ones (you!), indifference to the rest. Peace out! Peas out? Pass out! Woo!

A 360 degree view

I'm sitting here inside a parked car, windows rolled up so no one can observe the observer. To my immediate right are other parked cars that could be filled with more observers but I doubt it.
20 yards in front of me is constant traffic on a slightly elevated road. People rushing from point A to point B and some from point B to point A for no apparent reason. There are crowded buses, thousands of scooters and bikes and thousands of cars. 10 yards to my left are two bums. One very jovial, teasing the other, ruffling the sullen bum's beard, touching his face, teasing him with a small packed paper cone of what I'm pretty sure is some drug of some sort. The jovial bum takes an almighty swig from a tiny bottle of alcohol that goes into his pant pocket every once in a while and chides the sullen bum, asking him repeatedly if he wants the cone or not. 'Stop talking nonsense. Tell me if you want it. Do you want it? Or shall I take it away?', he asks, while waving the paper cone in front of sullen bum's face. I pity sullen bum a little. Poor old man. Finally, sullen bum gets the cone, cheery bum forces him to say 'bye' and leaves sullen bum to his thoughts. Not without a parting shot though. 'Don't get too smashed, you beggar.'
There are people stopping every few minutes to piddle against the slightly elevated road, it must be quite something to undo your fly, pull out your thing and just let go while watching traffic fly by you just a couple of feet away.
Ah, this looks promising. A very poor looking woman and a working class man have settled down here close to where the bums were. They pull up a couple of granite blocks to sit on and huddle together talking about something. Suddenly, the poor woman walks away for a few minutes and returns with a bottle of alcohol hidden in a black plastic bag. She pulls out a flimsy looking plastic glass and pours herself a drink. The man drinks from the bottle. A ragpicker walks by, picking up a few stray pieces of paper and stuffing it into his huge bag. I wonder if he has a dog. All ragpickers seem to have dogs. They treat them like shit, but that's probably only when they're drunk. I've seen ragpickers beating their dogs, really giving it to them, like they are venting their anger and pain and all their suffering on those poor helpless animals. On the other hand, I've also seen ragpickers lovingly feed their dogs, help them cross busy roads. Dogs are so wonderful, but sometimes I can't help but think they've been too domesticated. Fucking humans.
The ragpicker joins the drinking couple here and another old woman joins them too. They're all munching on some tiny food. Peanuts, probably, and drinking and smoking away. I wonder what the two beggars are up to. They seemed like fun people.

A bus from a nearby college just stopped on the road to drop some students off. College kids, doe-eyed, totally oblivious to the evils of the world. They wait for a few minutes for traffic to slow and manange to cross the road safely. I wonder what their plans are. From experience, I'd say a little homework, a couple of hours wasted online, a nice warm dinner and a few hours of sleep before the same mind-numbing routine shoves another day in their respective faces.
There are just so many people in this city. I'm sure at least ten thousand people have travelled this road in the last hour that I've been sitting here. It's just wave after wave of humanity. Where do all of them stay? What do all of them do? Everyone with their own little life, their own little bubble, disconnected from almost the entire world. Only connected to a few friends, some family, maybe a special one, maybe a job. Everyone with their own personal problems, their own triumphs, their own experiences, their own viewpoints. There is something to be said about watching such a mass of people passing in front of you. It's a strange sort of sense of perspective.
I'm feeling a little uncomfortable now. It's hot and there are way too many mosquitoes in here. I'm going to go for a walk now, maybe get some of those peanuts from somewhere, maybe something else too.
Oh, but before I go, I haven't described what's behind me. A liqour store, a biryani take-away place, a bar and restaurant, a coaching center for everything, a coaching center for everything else, a jewellery store, a shoe store and a bank. Typical Hyderabad? I'd say so.

The stand up comic.

Do you realise there is something in your body that heats things up?
You know, sometimes when your pee is hot as hell? That's what I'm talking about.
How the hell did it get so hot? You ever think about that?
Now I'm thinking if I should ask for an extension to that organ or whatever it is that does that heating thing.
If I can have a convenient little area to heat my coffee up every once in a while, while using my own energy, I would have to say I'd be very grateful.
Thank you. Thank you.
I'll get me coat.

Five of a feather

Have you ever looked at people around you?
I mean, have you ever really looked at the entire mass of humanity that surrounds you?
It is a really disturbing sight sometimes. The air is rank with the stench of negativity. If I was asked what the mood of the average Indian was, I would answer "Unhappy and Bored".
When was the last time a stranger smiled at you? When was the last time you smiled at a stranger? The next time you are out on the road, just look around at people who are alone. Ignore the ones with the cell phones glued to their faces. Look at everyone else. I usually see infinitely bored guys just staring. Staring aimlessly at anything even remotely interesting to their forever bored brains. I see people walking around with an detached look that'll turn into a frown every few seconds for no reason.

Anyway, getting to the point now, a week or so ago, I was dreaming about a perfect world where we could do anything we wanted (Hopefully I'll detail this in a post later sometime) and I was wondering if people have forgotten what fun is all about.
Yes, you get together with your friends once in a while, you cosy up with your boy/girl friend and have a good time, but there has got to be more. There's got to be this element of randomness. Some craziness. Nothing drastic, just something fun.

So here's the idea. It's nothing earth shattering, nothing very new, but it's just a little something I'd like to try. A social experiment, if you will.

I'm going to make a list of five things I plan to do. The thing about these things is that it needn't be something I've wanted to do forever, it needn't be something that will change my life or anyone else's, it needn't be something that will cost a lot of money or take a lot of time or jeopardize anything that is important to me.
Just five simple, possibly silly, hopefully random things that would be fun to do with some close friends, and would be something you can talk about over a nice cup of coffee with said close friends forever and ever after.

Oh, I'm not sure why this post is titled 'five of a feather', but if you can think of something clever, I'm going to say that was what I thought of.

1. Ride aimlessly through the city very, very early in the morning, watch the sun rise from a place with a view.
2. Catch a train to an unknown small town. Play tourist for an entire day.
3. Make a list of all my favourite eateries (not the restaurants) in the city and visit them all in one day.
4. Pack a picnic hamper and a frisbee and find some nice field on the outskirts to spend an afternoon.
5. Spend 24 hours awake with a bunch of friends. Do stuff. Monopoly, darts, hog, etc.

Now this is stuff best done with people. Not alone. I'm going to ask friends to join me for each of these. Except, perhaps, for #1. That's too romantic (kanth, rahul and all my other male suitors, I'm off the market. I hope you understand. I found someone so much hotter than you guys. That includes you, NPH. I'm sorry.)

The list took about 20 minutes to make. Not too long for what might lead to some really awesome times.
Okay, so now to the important bit. I want you (yes, you. I know who you are. I will annoy the crap out of you if you don't do this.) to take 20 minutes and write up a rough list like this. It doesn't have to be perfect, you can edit the fine details later, but I want a rough list. Post it here as a comment. We can do something interactive later if this catches on.
You can think of me as someone who'll bring joy to your lives. Like God, yes. You may refer to me henceforth as 'Him' (or 'He', if the sentence needs it).

Kanth, Mary, tsp, Sudarshana, Aarti, Abhi, Rahul, Sameer, Shambhavi, Venkat, anyone else I've missed...I want lists!! Give me lists!
LISTS!!!!
(You too, hon. First thing in the morn.)

I shall now retire to my private quarters, where my fluffy mattress and pillow await me anxiously.
G'night fellows. Remember, lists!

Dear Mr Dream Maker

Respected Sir,
I am writing to applaud you on the many wonderful years of fascinating dreams you have provided me with. I am also writing to express my thoughts on how you should be doing your job.
(Please note that all points are neatly arranged in sequential order, starting from the start and ending at the end. Very unlike what you are used to, but I sincerely hope you follow.)

1.
Inception-like dreams within dreams are strange and thankfully very rare. It is slightly disturbing to wake up from one dream and think 'Calm down! It was just a dream! Thank fuck!' and then see the same demon/exam/ayn rand book come back to haunt me for a few more seconds before I wake up again and think 'Just a dream. Just a dream within a dream. Can I calm down now or is there more?.'

2.
Enough with the college dreams. Please.
I lived through four years of that crap. It really isn't fun when I suddenly find myself in the middle of an examination trying to pen down my rather vague thoughts on some course I didn't know I was taking (Very realistic by the way. Well done!) with a limp, yellow, rather rubbery penguin in my hand.

3.
From my analysis on the way you end my almost-wet dreams, I assume you have a killer sense of humour. I'd suggest you curb that and stop waking me up at such ill-timed moments or I really will find a way to get to you and make you eat your own faces (I heard you have more than one head. Or did I spell that wrong? Well, that's for me to be unsure of and for you to find out soon enough if this happens again.)

4.
What is it with you and falling?
Off a cliff, Into a pool, Down a wormhole(okay, this one is fun once in a while!).
I wouldn't mind all of these so much if you gave me some sort of insurance. You know, a parachute, little red duck-beaked floats that go around my waist, a little book with big reassuring letters on the cover ... something ... anything at all! At least I won't wake up with a jolt so bad that I spend the entirety of the next morning limping all over the place.

5.
Morning wood. What the heck is that all about?
Some lingering details on the why's and the who's and the how many's would be very very welcome.

Now, onto some commendations.

1.
Good job on the techni-colour dreams. Beautiful shapes, tantalising colours, excellent stuff overall. Really. Well done.

2.
Adventures. Almost always wonderful. The only drawback to this is going back to a suddenly-mundane-in-comparison existence. Suggestions for future episodes : dragons, swords, pirate ships, certain familiar faces, and some fruit chews if you can manage them.

3.
Dream-less sleep. I know everyone is entitled to a night off once in a while. I just hope you feel as relaxed as I do on these nights.

I do hope this letter finds you in good spirits, better health and the best of moods.
Thanking you,
your sleepy friend from ever since I can remember.

Four O' Clock News - Interrupted

Hello and welcome to the Four O' Clock news.
I'm your host BigDaddy WantsYou and with me is my new co-anchor BigDaddy GotMe. On sports is ThisIs Parthaaa (stop laughing, partha!) and on weather, Shudha HadAnUmbrella.

On to today's top story.
Yet another scam has been exposed today by the excellent undercover reporters of this channel. This time, it's the sex education ministry that has to go under the scanner for shamelessly stealing hundreds of crores of rupees from the tax paying public.

Here is GotMe with more.

Thank you, BigDaddy. India's sex education minister, Khushboo, was caught on camera yesterday accepting thousands of boxes of condoms and a down payment of several crores of rupees as a bribe from one of our undercover reporters in return for a government funded sex education campaign that would advertise these condoms.
The tax payers of this country have been duped yet again by these corrupt officials who seem to use the finances of this country as their personal ATM's.
Back to you, BigDaddy. BigDaddy? Where's he gone?

frrzzztt - zzzrtrrrtttz - (other noises of static) - bzzzt



Good Afternoon good citizens of this country.
I apologize for interrupting this news broadcast, but there is a matter of the utmost importance that you need to know. I'm terribly sorry this has to cut into your TV time, but I know most of you just want to stare at co-anchor GotMe. Sigh.
Oh, right, onto the matters of consequence.

As most of you would remember, my last campaign to become dictator of this country was an underground success. After a great deal of convincing, nobody voted during the last general election.
However, I underestimated these slimy politicians. They faked the votes and fixed the whole election. Which meant that each of you non-voters thought you were the only ones who didn't vote. I am here to clear the air on this matter.
No one voted.
The politicians rigged the polls and are back there sitting on their gold and diamond thrones devouring all your hard-earned money as fast as I eat my pizzas.

So now I'm approaching this dictatorship thing differently.
You are going to vote for me.
I promise to rule over you with an iron fist. Martial law everywhere, curfews everyday, prison for littering, spitting, peeing off trains.
No more land scams, condom scams, widows-of-kargil-getting-robbed scams, sports-ministry-commonwealth-games-treadmill-buying scams. No more scams.
Just a few free meals for me now and again, mostly pizzas and milkshakes. Nothing too expensive.
I also promise to dissolve the whole election system. No more democracy. Never again.
There'll be no opposition, no ruling party. Just me.
I'll hire people I think are worthy. Start padding your résumés.
And I shall take this country places!
So when the next election comes around, you know what to do.

Vote for the Iron Fist!

Back to the news channel for now. And if you don't stop staring at GotMe, I will line the whole bunch of you up against a wall and shoot you.

frrzzztt - zzzrtrrrtttz - (other noises of static) - bzzzt

Uh...welcome back to the news. We're terribly sorry for the interruption, our technical team is working on it. Here is BigDaddy with more.
Back to you, BigDaddy. Why are you wearing a mask?

Dammit.
Well, I think all of us need a moment to reflect on what we just heard from that completely unknown voice that I just could not recognise.

On to less serious matters, matters of little or no consequence, if you will, here is Partha with sports.

hahahahaha. Stop haha making me laugh hahaha you bastard. hahahaha.

We're sorry about that. Ms. HadAnUmbrella seems to have disappeared for now, so this is probably a good time to end this program. From me, BigDaddy, and the rest of the team here, stay safe, and have a good night. Also, stay classy.

A feeling.

You know that feeling.
The feeling you get sometimes when you unlock the door to your house and you step in, into the dark, and you sense someone there.
You turn on the lights, and you look around, you see nothing but you can still feel it. You tell yourself it's probably just your imagination, but you're still on edge. The hair on your neck is standing up. And then someone comes to the door. Someone you know and love and the instant you look at that person, the whole feeling just vanishes. Like a shroud of darkness running from the sun.

What if at some point, you look back at your life and you try to sum up the past few years, what if this is what you come up with?
This feeling.
The dark, lonely feeling.
And you wait for someone to come to the door.
And you wait for someone to walk in and brighten up your day. and brighten up your life.
And when it happens, you know it has, because you look back and you know it never fit. And you look forward and you know you'll always fit. Like pieces from a jigsaw puzzle. Making sense of a nonsensical world.

A little warning and a story

Just a warning before you read this.
I'm trying my hand at slightly more serious (that only means unfunny. It's still as terrible, don't you worry.) writing. Will post these things on a separate blog, but will post them here too, with little warnings, a free joke maybe, and sometimes a coupon(34Kr3Y for free pizza from me. Yes, the coupon is valid. Go on, give it a try. I know you want to.).

Here we go...
Seriousness : Attempt 1 :
Burst of laughter, tiny golden drops of peanut butter flying all over the place.
Sorry. Couldn't stop myself.

Seriousness : Attempt 2 :




Numb

Feels like I'm on a train. This is the third time this week.
I don't know what's been happening to me.
These dreams I've been dreaming.
I always wake up shivering and wondering where I am and if those images in my head were real.
But I'm never able to stop those memories from flitting away.
And then I remember nothing. No name. No family. No childhood. No memory. No life.
It had been two months since the accident, or so the doctors say.
My name, they say, is Steve Smith. A 28 year old white man with perfect vision and good teeth.
Over the last few weeks I've been able to visualise my new memories.
And they are memories I can't wait to forget.
My first memory is of waking up in a hospital. Under police custody.
Apparently, I was a murderer.
They told me I had robbed a man of his life savings and shot him when he tried to fight me.
I spent the next two years in the race of my life, spending every bit of that money I stole running from the law.
I was finally caught here. In this disgusting damp city. The city so dirty and bleak, it makes Gotham city look like a neat little town.
They sentenced me to a mental asylum for three months and to the electric chair if I manage to survive that. Now I do not know if I should welcome that date or fear it.
I've tried to convince them it was a different person who did those things. Horrible hellish dirty things that no man should ever consider. Things I am not capable of thinking about.
They just don't believe me though. They think I'm insane. They are going to have me killed. For something I have no knowledge of. For something I lost forever.
I just want to try and know the world. I want to see what's out there. Those beautiful places I have heard of from grim faced psychiatrists. The ocean, the mountains the valleys. The huge cities with all their people. Those wonderful rivers that feed countries. The magnificent sky that's a colour I'll never see. I'm on this wonderful planet and I wish I could see it.
But here I am. Condemned to die in thirty days. With the knowledge that beyond these sickly white walls, lies an entire universe that I am never going to be a part of.

The Frog who swallowed his wife and lover whole and lived! oh and just so you know, he never really managed to pay off those hospital bills.

Old Mr. froggie was croaking away as usual in the backyard.
He had never really liked the smell of smoke.
"What the hell is that damn thing they're putting in their mouths anyway?", he croaked.
"I have no idea, but I just don't like it." said beautiful, young Mrs. froggie. Lovely Mrs. froggie used to be a model. A beautiful model who was always smiling and oh-so happy...until she met Mr. froggie. But more on that later. "It smells like a forest on fire. Silly young humans nowadays. They do such strange things to themselves."
"Hmm" said Mr. froggie and went back to his book.
Mr. and Mrs. froggie had been together since the previous year when he charmed the beautiful young ms. froggie by juggling three empty bottles of beer while smoking flies to death with the cigarette butts they had found on their last date. ms. froggie was a very popular young lady back then. Many a suitor came to her with wonderful feats that would amaze her, but she chose the best of the lot.
Or so she thought back then.
Nowadays all Mr. froggie did was complain about their noisy human neighbours and the weird buzzing noise he had been hearing in his right ear for the past six months.
It was time to move on and Mrs. froggie knew it.
"All right, you lousy caterpillar-tongued moron. I have had it up to here with your annoying little yelps of anguish. I'm leaving you for a better man. A better species, to be precise. Lovely buzzy little Mr. bee here is flying me away from you. Forever and ever!. Take that you yellow-livered fly raping mongrel. Good Bye!"
Mr. Bee then buzzed in busily to buzz her away to buzzland. "Good bye Mr. frog" he buzzed. "I've never really had the chance to meet you, but I think you'd have liked me as a friend. Oh dear! I'm wasting time here chatting up my future-wife's future-ex-husband. My lovely future-bride awaits."
Mr. Bee then buzzed over to the lovely ms. froggie and ms.(I don't think we should be calling her 'Mrs.' froggie now that she's running away with the bee.) froggie jumped up with an almighty jump and an almightier fart (croak. I mean croak) and leaped on to Mr. bees back.
Mr. froggie was astounded. He had never seen or heard about bees before, thanks to his lack of education. Not lack of education actually. Maybe lack of a brain. Yes.
Mr. froggie was astounded. He had never seen or heard about bees before, thanks to his lack of brains.
He opened his big froggie mouth in wonder and it was no sooner than he did when Mrs.(I think I've decided I'm going to call her this, because it really makes sense in the end. Really. It Does! I promise! Read on.)froggie and the poor, previously attractive but now rather flat Mr. bee underneath her went sailing in.
"Gulp" went Mr. froggie as he swallowed his wife and her attempted-to-be-would-be-kidnapper,-lover,-husband-of three-little-girls-and-one-boy-with wonderful-eyes-and-a-killer-smile ("one can wish!" as Mrs. froggie would say), Mr. bee.
Thus ends the story of the strangest celebrity marriage ever. The story that came to be known as 'The Frog who swallowed his wife and lover whole and lived! oh and just so you know, he never really managed to pay off those hospital bills.'.

(I know, I know what you're thinking. 'Mrs.' froggie doesn't really make sense, but I just had to get you to the end so you'd stop bugging me about the whole 'she should be allowed to get her name back now that she is running away from her tormentor' crap. Just let things be and live with us without driving us completely mad.)

A sincere Thank You!

In 1929, a small company was set up in not-so-free India.
A company dedicated to bringing smiles to the faces of children all over the country.
A company with ideals, with morals. A company with a great dream.
Today, every Indian alive has heard of this company and has sampled some of their products(and if there is anyone who hasn't, well, you don't know what you've been missing)

This is a humble tribute, a heartfelt thank you, a show of affection and love from the bottom of my stomach heart to you, Parle. It is all I can offer (apart from the small amounts of money that I pay for the products that you put on the market with such altruism, such compassion, such love for humanity and concern for its hunger.)

This is my story.

My love affair with parle products started years ago when I was in school. The oh-so-Indian Mango Bite and the delicious Melody toffees. Ah, Melody. I can just close my eyes and remember the wonderful feeling of contentment that would course through my veins every time I popped that delicious, chocolatey little cuboid of magic into my mouth. And those amazing kismi toffee bars, with that distinct elaichi flavour.
Ah, kismi. It's been too long!

And then there was Hide and Seek.
Words cannot begin to describe the amazing hide and seek.
Yet, I shall try. Know though, that these are no ordinary words. These are words with meaning and love. And everyone knows words with love carry more weight than, um, words without.
So here is an ode to the most wonderful chocolate chip cookies in the world.

Oh Hide and Seek,
You're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind.
Hey! Hide and Seek! *clap clap* Hey! Hide and Seek!

Okay, lets try that one again, shall we...

Oh Hide and Seek, I love you so.
Your delectable chocolaty-ness enriches my life!
Without you, life would have no meaning. Without you, my world would not spin.
Thank you. Thank you for everything.

- Just a fan.

Empty Room (Pepsi thing)

First, a foreword.
I usually don't do forewords. Backwords are so much more fun.
But I think this post is going to need one because I really don't want all (three?) of you to hate me for this.

There's this contest running on indiblogger that I'm submitting a few posts to. Unfortunately, they require one of the posts to be about some pepsi game master something. This is going to be that post. Come back and read this next line when you're done with the post. "I'm so sorry!"

So the story so far is that some dude from 'youngistaan' is stuck in this big, evil castle where some other dude (ugly villain with hot, seemingly traitorous woman sidekick) wants to kill him (or trap him. or make him drink pepsi. or something).
Anyway, young dude from youngistaan (hereafter referred to as 'Y') is so terribly out of this world that he can hold his breath for a whole week while stuck in a glass container full of water, waiting for people to send in messages that'll free him.
Brilliant only, no?

So, this is my challenge for Y.
I wish for Y to be stuck in an Empty Room. Absolutely empty. No door, no windows, no furniture, no air conditioner, no hot sidekick woman, no hammer, no spanner, no tools (except himself of course. (haha. no? sigh!) )
Now, people across the country are asked a simple question.

"What is the answer?!"

And they're given three options.
1. Insomnia
2. Sycophantia
3. Ajanta and Ellora

Unfortunately for Y, none of these are the right answer.
The right answer is hidden option number four. Myopia.
If a sufficiently high percentage of people are far sighted enough (haha! no? Come on! Give me this one!!) to pick option 4, then Y will discover that the walls of the room are made of chocolate ice cream and all he needs to do to get out is wait for the summer. (or lick a hole in the wall).
The end. Where's my money?

Sigh. There goes the contest!
I wonder what viral networking is. (yes, that's how the winner is determined. What Naansense, no? Utterly Rubbish only I say.)

And yes, I really should get back to writing! Blame Mangoes!!! (And cinnamon!)

Pick up lines that work

Lines that worked for me :

Want to make babies?

Did you shave your legs recently? They look wonderfully smooth. Could you take your pants off for me, please?

Hi, I have a penis!

Hi. Do you have a penis? No? Want to hang out?

I got paid today. Want to have sex?

You don't know me, but I've been watching you for a few months now. Would you like a ride home? I know where you live.

So, do you like guys who have no money?

My friends think I'm funny. Would you like to meet them?

I'm blinded by your radiant beauty. Thank god they say love is blind. (and then whip out a fork and stab your own eyes out. Guaranteed pity sex!)

Could I cop a feel of your breasts? They've been calling out to me all night long!

Could I interest you and your friends in some Rohypnol?

Could you take a sip of this? Tell me if you think it tastes strange.

Lines that would work on me :

Hi.

Do you have the time?

Waiter, could I have another drink please?

Go away.

Got a light?

Your friend is cute.

I'll be yours for 200.

I'm warning you, I have pepper spray.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Caution:
*Use of these lines without correct supervision may cause problems such as unexpected pregnancy, jail time, child birth, unwanted relationships, marital problems, drug use, headache, insomnia, memory loss, hair fall, dizziness, pneumonia, cancer, aids, death, possibly hunger(careful!).
Understand that I cannot be held responsible for any or all of these unless I am supervising the delivery of the lines.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Ah, Saint Valentine's Day.
And what a perfect day for the day of love.
The sun is a shining, the flowers are a blooming, the birds are a singing, this ice-cream is a bysmal, there's a spring in my step and I've never felt more alive.
There's a lot of people who think V-Day is just another day. Nothing special, no real reason to celebrate love. But they don't understand love. I do, because I have you.
You make my life special, you make this day special for me and hopefully I do for you.
People might look at us strangely when we walk together, hand-in-hand (like lovers are supposed to), in public parks or when we whisper silly nothings to each other. People glare at us, probably with jealousy, when we share lust filled kisses, but I don't care. I love you with all of my heart and I know you do me.
I'd give my right arm to get you back if I ever lose you.
You're my lover and my right hand man.
Without you, I'm just a one-handed man in a two-handed man's world.
I love you, Mr. Hand. You complete me.

So here's to us.
Here's to a great valentine's day and a lifetime full of warmth and happiness together.

Signed,
Your one and only.
Forever and ever.
- the rest of my body.


-------------


For all those with real reason to celebrate this day, I'd pray for your rotten souls to go to hell, but I'm off God for a while. So I'll just hope you get crabs or something. Happy VD!.

"Why"

Popular questions from all over the world

From India, the google.co.in domain...



Let's do these one at a time, shall we...

1. Fame, fortune, pretty girls who like money, big cars, silk bathrobes, heated bathroom tiles, Poodles and pugs, Italian business suits, licence to flaunt a holier-than-thou attitude! Why wouldn't anyone want an MBA?
2. We aren't, stop flattering yourself.
3. You probably shouldn't. I'd just take your money and make you feel bad about yourself.
4. Aw, self pity! (or self-loathing? Oh wait, that's at number 5)
5. Aw, self loathing! We aren't ugly. You may be, but there are a lot of very beautiful people out there.
6. Do we really want to go there? Why analyse? Just be glad there are as many breasts in the world as there are people. Hurrah for breasts!
7. We are, aren't we? heh. It's a little weird actually, we seem to love to throw money around at things that aren't really deserving of it. Like over priced dinners at fancy restaurants, outrageously expensive movie tickets (not to mention other cinema related expenses. Popcorn for 100 Rupees? bleh), and yet we don't hesitate to haggle with the poor old vegetable lady down the street over a couple of rupees.
8. Not too sure about this one. I think it all starts with either peer pressure or the 'cool' tag that comes free with the little cancer sticks. Anyway, here's a fun thought. Have you ever thought about second-hand smoke? It's not just something that's passed on between active and passive smokers. It's particles of smoke that have travelled their way through another person's insides - nose, mouth, lungs, slimy, icky parts, and are now making their way through yours. (Non-smokers, make 'ugh' noises about here, smokers please feel free to go 'hah, it's like we're kissing!')
9. Same reason we're obsessed with foreigners, isn't it?
Saw a blonde, busty young firang 'lady' working at a bar yesterday. Getting a hell of a lot more attention than any of the other females in the vicinity. (Although, this might've had something to do with the fact that she really seemed to like bending low. Often. For lengthy periods of time. Sigh. Oh, blondie, won't you be mine!.)
10. Because life is so bloody depressing and there is nothing to live for? (or because you're sleepy?)

And now for the International...The google.com domain!



1. So that bullies at school can twist them and make you do whatever they want...okay, let's not go there.
2. Good god, why the heck do you care? Concentrate on more important things in life like...
3. Green poop! Man, foreigners are weird. It's probably from eating a leafy vegetable for the first time in your life, you animal hater!!!
4. Because they're happy and content with life and want you to know it so you can compare yourself with them and say 'Damn, I wish I was a cat. They have it so easy. I hate my life.' And then hopefully you'll blow your brains out and the cat will purr with (more) contentment and happiness.
5. Because your spouse couldn't get married alone (sorry, had to throw in at least one really terribly poor joke in here. Wouldn't feel right otherwise)
6. To gross you out so you would say 'Oh my god, my poor eyes!' and then hopefully you'll blow your brains out and the dog will meet up with the cat and have a good laugh at your expense and give each other belly rubs later.
7. ... (Damn, I could've stuck the poor joke in here).
8. To get the taste of the poop out of their mouths. (Only if the plan(see answer 6) doesn't work. When it does work, they prefer to use beer and toothpaste instead)
9. Ugh. Bathe, you dirty foreigners! Bathe! Use a bloody bucket instead of showering all the time. There are a few places an overhead shower will not reach!
10. Something bad happened on some friday, who cares?

Oh, here's my favourite!

Just to prove a point...

Classified Advertisement

I am planning to go on a trip to Thailand / Nepal / North East India.
Looking for female company. Anyone interested, please do reply.
Candidates in possession of the following will be given preference :
1. Sense of humour.
2. Large breasts.
3. Working knowledge of English (Not very necessary if point #2 applies).
4. Ability to run away from trouble really quick.
5. Passport.

Just to clarify, you will be expected to pay for yourself throughout the trip.
I will only provide company, clever remarks about fellow travellers' misfortunes, expert advice about life, the occasional bad joke and absolutely no protection from bandits/thugs/hoodlums/haggling salespersons.

Details (when, where, how) are open to discussion as long as everyone agrees with me.
Thank you.

ps : I'm only half joking about the whole thing.
pps : Breast size doesn't really matter. (okay, no, it does a little)
ppps : I don't mind paying for the occasional meal.
pppps : to all my three regular readers - let your friends know.